The real reason your cold approach failed

I eavesdropped on a young guy doing a cold approach last night.

Good on him.

The girl was pretty, young, and thin. The guy, tall, young, and thin.

She was politely answering his questions at first, then she went cold and he let her go. That’s about all I managed to see/hear. I don’t know how he opened her, or every detail of their conversation. But I saw what I needed to see, heard what I needed to hear.

On the surface, this guy’s issue was that he didn’t create any tension.

(I talked about how to build tension on camera last night!)

He was only building comfort, a generic form of it. Asking basic questions like “where are you from?”

The girl was objectively pretty in an Instagram-hot “party girl” sort of way, not quite my type though (cause of that demographic mismatch, and cause she was too short/thin for me; I subjectively prefer taller, curvier girls. But her very immature vibe was the main reason I didn’t find her worthy of talking to).

But if I was more into her, here’s what I would have done:

Opened her with some active comfort, followed that with active tension, then given her some space to come to me.

As a guy whose passive tension-building is perfectly natural (I have a distinct appearance + am in great shape + am strongly grounded in my masculine energy), I would open a girl like this with something like “hey, how’s your day going?” – COMFORT. Then actively build TENSION – “I thought you were really pretty and felt like saying hi”. Then hold that tension while actively building more comfort – talking about how my day’s going, asking her about herself, teasing her a little with the intent of making her feel better about herself.

“Comfort game” is what works best for me.

The guy I eavesdropped on wasn’t holding on to a lot of tension (he was tall and skinny and generic-looking), so he would have been better off opening the girl with active tension, then following that up with active comfort, before quickly jumping back into active tension-building.

Good game for a guy like this would be more oriented around building DESIRE – being heavy on the teasing and pushing, talking himself up, and actively doing the work to make the girl feel something for him.

But that’s just the superficial stuff about his approach.

Let’s go a little deeper. This young guy’s failure to create any tension/desire wasn’t the only big thing that made that hot girl go cold.

Why did he desire her?

You always have to be asking yourself “WHY”, gentlemen. Or else you’re not moving forward.

I’ve done my fair share of cold approaches that have ended like this one has, even if I did the usual tension-building: Where the girl would close herself up, not add much to the conversation, and wait for me to fuck off.

Did I game those girls wrong? Obviously.

But the real reason I fumbled those approaches wasn’t because of my tactics, it was because of my objective.

I didn’t actually strongly desire those girls.

I was only approaching them for logical reasons, because she was “attractive enough” or just there, and I was feeling like flexing my daygame muscles.

That’s what I intuited about that approach I witnessed. The guy only approached the girl because she looked like the sort of girl he LOGICALLY SHOULD WANT – conventionally hot, thin, young, immature.

He handled the approach awkwardly because he desired what the girl represented to his ego, not because he desired the girl’s HOLISTIC SELF.

It’s not that he pulled the wrong tactics, as much as THE ENERGY behind his “game” was off. He didn’t actually have much motivation to pursue this young, vapid girl, and he actually looked very relieved to let her go.

So if I was to coach this guy, I’d tell him to first take a deep, honest look at what he truly values, and be painfully truthful with me and himself about it. And only after that, would I give him all the nuances about tension and comfort.

Now here’s what’s super interesting about sexual energy.

What about the cold approaches I’ve done where the girl WAS invested, present, adding to the conversation, and even open to giving me her number in the end?

They were the ones where I felt a visceral desire for the girl, and would have regretted not acting on it.

I didn’t force myself to approach these girls. I didn’t overthink my opener. I saw them and felt a strong sense of DESIRE at first sight that naturally pushed me towards them.

Women have a sixth sense for a man’s energy. A healthy woman can viscerally, automatically, immediately tell whether or not you’ve got IT. She doesn’t consciously get what IT is, but I do:

Your authentic desire to be with her, and your deservedness to act on it.

So while some PUA guys teach that dating is a numbers game, and you simply have to approach 100 girls ASAP to meet the one who you can get out on a date, and whose LMR you can break through in the end and get the notch…

That’s not how I roll. I teach guys a different strategy.

Don’t force yourself to approach girls.

Only approach the ones you most strongly, genuinely desire.

Don’t worry about whether she likes you at first. What matters is that YOU DESIRE HER.

And after you make the first move, you let her play her part in the dance and either accept you or reject you.

Maybe you’ll see a few girls like this in one day, maybe you’ll go weeks without seeing a single one. But when you feel that genuine desire for a girl’s full self, even before you’ve said a single word to each other, say hi to her. See what happens.

These girls, the ones YOU DESIRE, are the ones who’ll be most receptive to you. For good reason:

Why would a beautiful woman desire anything less than a handsome gentleman who genuinely appreciates HER?

Read that again, and let yourself fully internalize it.

Anyhoo, that’s my advice for you today!

See me in coaching when you’re ready to go far deeper than this, do masculine and feminine energy work, quickly and sharply rewire your brain so you become the man the best women want, and much much more!

Fill out the form, and we’ll go from there!


– Ben

For more content about sexual energy and what REALLY attracts women, sign up to my free newsletter!

Plenty more where this came from! I add old newsletters to the site a few months after they reach your inbox.

Subscribe to my newsletter to get them fresh, and to transform your dating life sooner!

Leave a Reply