The dating world’s got its unpleasant traps:
Getting friendzoned, getting led on, oneitis, breaking someone’s heart, getting your heart broken, succubi, making an ass of yourself when you miscalibrate your flirting, dating low-quality women, repelling high-quality women, being lost in fantasy about a girl from the first date to years into marriage, going for a girl who’s dissociated, every damn mistake you can make on a first date…
But one mistake trumps all the rest in how conducive to stagnation it is:
As much as I cringe recalling certain girl-related memories of mine, do I regret any of them?
Not a single one. They’re funny stories usually, even if I acted stupid. Informative, teachable moments at worst.
The moments where I could have done something, where I could have made a move, but I didn’t… Where I froze and let my fear of rejection hold me back…
I’ve regretted those for YEARS.
A lot of us gents let this risk-aversion hold us back. We’d rather cling to our fear of loss than value something above it. This exact fear of loss used to give me extreme anxiety around girls. I’d be afraid of saying or doing some Wrong Thing™ that would turn a girl off and make her hate me or just not want to date me anymore.
Then my fears would come true, my neediness and/or anxieties would sink things, and I’d be all on my own again, drowning my insecurities in wine and liquor and masturbation.
Almost every girl I’d date or even talk to would quickly lose respect for me.
I felt powerless socially and sexually.
Now here’s the solution to your fear of loss, the same solution that finally gave me a sense of true power socially and sexually:
Let yourself make a mistake.
Let yourself have a loss. Let yourself possibly be the bad guy in someone else’s story. Let yourself look stupid or low-value, and be okay with it.
That’s how you learn and grow.
Anxious as I was about those girls I’d date in the early days of my dating life, dating them was a form of self-harm in hindsight. My fear of loss wasn’t just a byproduct of our interactions. I’d date those specific girls BECAUSE OF my fear of loss. They weren’t anything special, and I’ve dated my fair share of higher-quality girls since, who I was still somewhat scared of losing, but when I did, I got over it quickly in every case.
Some girls I’ve dated were overall shitty people, but my fantasies about them would blind me. So thank fuck I’ve been the bad guy to them, or else I’d have been locked down by a girl who wouldn’t ever want me to be my best, most masculine, most empowered self.
The more I’ve let myself look bad in front of a girl, the more free I’d get. The more I’ve let myself have losses in the dating world, the more wins I’ve had. The more mistakes I’ve made with women, the more competent and wise I’ve gotten.
Now, this obviously doesn’t mean going out of your way to sink your dates by crossing a girl’s boundaries, pissing her off, or making her uncomfortable in any way.
(even if these moments accidentally happen, no biggie. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen. Shit happens)
It simply means understanding this:
Being a man who’s good with women, or good in social situations, doesn’t mean being a smooth Mr. Perfect who always knows the most perfectly calibrated things to say and do.
It means being okay with the occasional mistake, the occasional miscalibration, and having a “c’est la vie” mindset about it.
And it means removing that same burden of perfection from the women you want to be with.
They’re people too. Women get as anxious, insecure, and self-sabotaging as we men do. Women have a tough time Creating the dating life and Reality of their dreams, just like we men do.
Have some empathy for women, and let them be themselves around you. Same for yourself – understand that it’s okay to be where you’re at, and that taking a step forward, taking a risk may be painful in the moment, but you can’t have long-term empowerment in your dating life unless you embrace its forging fires.
Unless you learn to stay on your edge.
Unless you make a mistake, and learn from it.
Your risks and losses are where your power comes from.
One such risk: Coaching with me!
Yeah, you’ll pay a bit of money for it, or not, if you let your fear of loss get the best of ya and decide not to sign up.
You’re gonna make mistakes with women in any case. You’re gonna get burnt and blindsided whether or not you work with me.
Coaching with me is the difference between entering this territory with a map and an experienced guide, or going it blindly.
It’s the difference between going on your next hot date with the same mindsets, energy, and buried psychological issues you already have…
OR taking care of all that with me beforehand, and showing up with your next hot date as a more masculine, more integrated, more present, more aware version of yourself. And obviously having better sex, a better connection, and a more fun time with her overall.
When you’re ready to challenge your fear of loss, and make massive gains in your dating life…
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