Insomnia and hair loss taught me the same lesson

I was doing so well.

Ever since I left Canada in October, I’ve been consistently going to bed early, falling asleep easily, and waking up by 10 AM.

When I lived in Miami this November-December, I was a morning person. I’d often be up by 6-8 AM even, ready to get my breakfast in + a walk at Miami Beach + a workout at Muscle Beach + another post-workout meal, before taking care of all my other daily responsibilities.

Now this January night, my old inner nemesis has made a re-appearance.



I was laying there in bed at 2 AM, when I felt it. I wasn’t drifting off to sleep, no matter how much I’d shut my eyes, clear my head, and get comfy. So I decided fuck it, I’m gonna do an all-nighter tonight. I’ve been sleeping way too much these nights anyway.

Now I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my laptop and a Monster energy drink. Blasting some Against Me!

And typing out this email.

Then I’m gonna update my website’s front page and work on being more authentic and vulnerable and raw in my copywriting. I’m doing some inner work tonight too and realizing that the fundamental root of my stagnation in life is misalignment with/unawareness of truth, and that I need to be extremely fucking honest with myself about certain things.

Then I’m gonna find even more productive things to do till this caffeine wears off and I pass out. Cooking and eating a meal. Perhaps putting some reps into my Spanish studies, even if I’m not living in Miami at the moment (my original goal for learning Spanish was to remove the language barrier between myself and the Hispanic population there)

See boys, here’s the neat little strategy I figured out for dealing with my insomnia whenever I have a night like this one:

I’ve decided to make it work for me, not against me. (hah, Against Me again. That’s one of my all-time favorite bands)

My book The Three Fundamentals of Attraction wouldn’t have been written if not for my insomnia.

I wrote and edited it over 3 consecutive weeks of all-nighters, starting with a night just like this one. For those 3 weeks, I’d wake up sometime around the evening, eat and train and stuff, then down a bunch of coffee in my room by myself while working on it till sunrise.

I don’t believe in “everything happens for a reason”, so I’m not going to rationalize my insomnia as a feature of my being, not a bug. I make shitty decisions when it comes to blue light, caffeine, and sleep debts. That’s why I have insomnia. And I’m not interested in expending effort to only MAYBE cure it by staying away from screens, cutting down on caffeine, and being more conscientious about my sleep. (oh maybe this time it’ll work, unlike the hundred other times I’ve tried exactly that and ended up still wide fucking awake at 2 AM) The only thing that’s ever actually worked to unfuck my sleep is having shit to do in the morning that I can’t move somewhere else in my schedule.

Anyhoo, excuse my caffeinated rambling there. I’m supposed to tie another idea into this. Another part of my life that I’ve learnt to make work for me.

Hair loss.

For those of you who don’t already know, I started losing my hair at 14 and it made high school very fun for me.

It’s one reason I put dating off until college, and shied away from it as an adolescent.

Until I decided to shave all my hair off and quit trying to be a guy with hair.

Instead of fighting it by ignoring the bald spot and growing my hair out anyway, or trying to find a nice middle ground between a shaved head and having hair by trying to rock a crew cut… Or wearing hats everywhere I went…

When I was 19, I decided to own it and be okay with it. And guess what that did for my dating life.

Girls were much more receptive to me in college when I’d go hatless than when I’d meet them with a hat on.

The times I’ve tried hiding my hair loss, I wouldn’t get very far with most girls. The times I decided to own it and frame it as no big deal…

That frame carried over into the girls. The more I was okay with it, the more they’d be. Every girl I hooked up with back then had seen me without a hat on.

So here’s what these two adversities of mine have taught me:

When something about your life sucks, lean into it.

Surrender to it. Follow it.

Don’t try to resist it or eliminate it or fix it.

Again, I don’t believe in “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t believe your trials in life were divinely pre-agreed upon by you. I don’t believe in the “I’m grateful having gone through that shit and it made me a better person” talk.

I believe that the universe is an abundant place, and that forcing an outcome is an unnecessary waste of energy that usually backfires. I believe that running away from your problems creates stagnation, while facing them head-on creates progress. It creates tension. It creates energy. Sexual energy you can harness into Creating a better Reality for yourself.

I don’t believe in divine planning. I simply believe that shit happens because sometimes you’re stupid, or someone else is. That’s life.

By forcing an outcome, you’re trying to Create a false Reality. A Reality that doesn’t actually have any energy supporting it. You’re avoiding tension, not embracing it. You’re headed towards entropy, towards energy sinks.

Like the reality where I’m asleep by 2 AM tonight. The reality where I spent my adolescence and young adulthood with a full head of hair. The reality where I’ve gotten with certain girls who actually aren’t right for me. The reality where I’ve ended up as a competitive powerlifter.

These Realities exist purely in fantasy. There’s no quantum charge, no energy supporting their existence.

So how do you shift your Reality to being one that DOES have energy supporting it?

Two steps, brother.

1. Follow your intuition. Instead of consciously planning out your life, go with your gut on absolutely fucking everything. Let go. Don’t resist the inevitable.

2. Be brutally honest with yourself about absolutely fucking everything.

I’ve got the first step all figured out for myself, and I’m making many moves forward on the second step. The first step leads to a greater capacity for the second.

Following your intuition is how you discover truth.

Even if things don’t work out.

I could give you a fuckton of examples from my life where things have improved and I’ve gotten onto the right path just because I’ve let go and stopped trying to force something that just wasn’t happening.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about YOU now.

In what ways are you not showing up as the best, most attractive man you can be? In what ways are you not surrendering to certain truths, and missing out on the power, the SEXUAL ENERGY you’ll get from leaning into your inadequacies and rough edges?

Let me use my intuition and brutal fucking honesty on you, and teach you to develop your own.

(don’tcha worry, I’m a chill guy, a chill coach who’s fun to vibe with, not an aggressive drill sergeant type of coach)

Then you’ll end up like the rest of my clients – dating attractive, giving, high-quality girls after even one month or one call with me.

If that’s the fate you want for yourself, see me in coaching.

If that’s not the fate you want, I don’t know what you’re doing on my mailing list.


– Ben

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