The advice that DIDN’T help me quit my porn addiction

For 8 years of my life, I’d be in agony if I went 24 hours without porn.

Quitting that and masturbation is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I swear by nofap now (with some nuance). Few things have empowered me with women, boosted my confidence in my masculinity, and put me on track to winning at life like this has.

But the journey from being a nightly porn-consumer, to going months on end without it wasn’t quick and easy. After I made the decision to take back control over my sexual energy and quit this nasty habit, it took me a YEAR before I could go 30+ days without a relapse, and another year after that to truly detox my brain from craving it entirely.

It didn’t have to take so long.

The reason it took me 2 years to eliminate my porn addiction:

I was following shitty, dogmatic, only somewhat effective advice.

At first I thought – well, yeah, I’ve spent 8 years of my life wrecking my brain and how I relate to women with this shit, of course I won’t kick this addiction overnight.

I’m a bit smarter now. I understand the real causes behind men’s porn addictions much more intimately. I know what’ll REALLY detox a guy’s cumbrain, and it ain’t abstinence.

So let’s get into why that and other conventional quit-porn advice isn’t ideal, and why it can actually slow down your journey of quitting porn.

Here are a few pieces of quit-porn advice I used to swear by, but have since moved on from:

“Just don’t watch it bro !”

Yeah, I…

Relapsed a fuckton when I tried that.

The more you remind yourself you shouldn’t be watching porn, the more you think about it, the more you crave it, the more your life STILL revolves around porn…

Distancing yourself from porn allows you to reclaim power over your sexual energy, and to hold on to it instead of releasing it all the time.

But

By avoiding porn cold-turkey, you’re sweeping the trauma behind your porn addiction under the rug instead of addressing it and healing it.

My brain could be porn-free when I was out in the world making progress on my goals and stuff, but I only ever kicked my urges to watch porn when I was bored or hungover once I got brutally fucking honest with myself about which of my needs my sex fantasy addiction was attempting to meet.

The advice that would have worked for me:

“Ask yourself WHY you’re watching the porn you’re watching, and learn to validate the deep needs behind your porn addiction, instead of sweeping them under the rug”

Porn addiction is a SYMPTOM of your problems with your sexuality, not the source. I’ll explain why veeery soon.

“Go talk to real girls and get laid, then you won’t want porn anymore once you’ve got the real thing !”

Yeah, I tried that and…

Learned the hard way that you can hook up with real-life girls and still have a porn addiction.

I learned game, got good at building tension and attraction, and still, sharing a bed with a pretty girl didn’t remove my urges to watch porn.

The advice that would have worked for me:

“Your sexual attraction to fantasies of girls and your sexual attraction to real-life girls are two different things. As long as you have the urge to watch porn, you won’t see women objectively face-to-face, and you’ll still be projecting a whole ton of false idealizations onto them”

Quitting porn doesn’t automatically ensure you’ll get laid with real-life ladies. Using porn doesn’t automatically kill your chances with them, though being programmed to view women as fantastical, idealized sex objects does make it a hell of a lot harder to relate to women on a human, emotional level.

Talking to real-life women can help get it through your head that they’re literally just people, not omnipotent sex goddesses, but the real energetic shifts and the shifts in your relationships with women start within, with your self-perception.

It means seeing women as real, flawed, diverse, imperfect individuals who are worth getting to know for many more reasons besides potentially having sex with them, AND having the same compassion for YOURSELF – seeing yourself as a man who’s good enough, who people want to get to know holistically, who’s worth far more than only being someone women could potentially have sex with.

“Do something productive instead of watching porn !”

Ah yes, tell past Ben Foth, the strong and mighty gymrat, the dedicated writer, the competent amateur photographer, and ambitious dude overall with an abundant social life to do something PRODUCTIVE right before bed, fuck you.

No shit.

No fucking shit I’d have been happier if my post-gym or pre-bedtime ritual was something cooler than jerking off to a screen.

Again, this advice is AVOIDANCE, not alchemy. I stopped relapsing so often once I allowed my relapses to happen so I could confront my deep needs with 3 eyes open during a self-aware porn relapse, not forcibly pushing my relapses into the future anymore and treating them as my enemy.

The advice that would have worked for me:

Not fucking that!

Sometimes, doing the painful deep work is exactly the productivity ya need. Sometimes, being able to sit calmly and NOT be productive is exactly what you need for a step forward in personal growth and happiness.

“Porn turns you into a cuck!”

I used to have this mindset about porn in my early days of quitting, and it’s true to a degree. Porn use without self-awareness IS rebranded cuckoldry.

But I was wrong about the direction of cause-and-effect here.

Porn doesn’t turn you into a sex fantasy-addicted loser. Believing you deserve to be a sex fantasy-addicted loser creates your porn addiction.

I was addicted to porn before the first time I ever jerked off or went out of my way to see a titty online. Porn use wasn’t my real problem, only a symptom of it.

Plus, I started putting myself out there with girls more, approaching more, learning to feel more deserving of them BEFORE, not after I started on my quit-porn journey.

My real issue:

DEVALUATION OF MYSELF AND MY NEEDS.

My porn addiction didn’t turn me into a sex fantasy-addicted loser. It was revealing the part of me that felt I deserved to be a sex fantasy-addicted loser. My beliefs about myself created my porn addiction, not the other way around. Porn didn’t fuck me up.

My childhood/adolescence fucked me up. Certain experiences of mine, certain relationships I grew up around/with… Conditioned me into believing MY INTIMATE NEEDS WEREN’T VALID.

  • Sexuality
  • Emotions
  • Feeling deserving of giving love and compassion and intimacy, and receiving it

The more I’ve explored these needs of mine, learnt to be okay with having them, learnt to be okay with meeting them…

The less I’ve wanted to watch porn. The more disgusted I’ve been by it.

The less I’ve had to force myself to stay away from it.

The more I’ve NATURALLY, EASILY stayed away from it.

And odds are, porn addiction isn’t YOUR real problem, only a symptom of it.

The REAL path to quitting porn isn’t simply staying away from it, doing more productive things with your time, and chatting up real-life girls.

You’ll only ever be fully off porn when you get brutally fucking honest with yourself about which of your deep emotional needs it’s attempting to meet.

You don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to spend YEARS trying to quit, when you can work with me and make it more like a MONTH.

(that’s how quickly all my clients transform their dating lives and take major steps forward on their SEXUAL ENERGY MASTERY journeys!)

See me in coaching when you’re ready to live a porn-free life, and invite pretty girls who like YOU into it!

– Ben

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