There’s a ton of talk round these parts about how you can become a more masculine man – lift weights, get more streams of income, talk to more girls and sharpen your seductive powers, stop jerking off and stop watching porn, get a wife and start a family…
I approve.
Yet accurate as it all is, these life improvements only address the SYMPTOMS of being grounded in your Divine Masculine energy, not the root of it.
You can be jacked, healthy, ambitious, getting laid, off porn, and STILL be miserable and aimless and fragile, as I see so many improvement-minded guys acting (including my past self).
Addressing the superficial parts of your masculinity isn’t enough to turn your holistic self from a boy into a man. Far too often, guys who follow this dogma are still scared little boys trapped in the bodies of men.
Your awareness of your own masculinity reflects itself in the girls you naturally attract.
A ton of guys swear by looks, money, and status when it comes to gitting gurls. And if they have exactly that in abundance, they end up with girls who are hot… but have little to offer besides their own looks and superficial status.
Other guys swear by game. They end up with girls who are all about game as well. More “normal”, down-to-earth girls with their own passions, tricks, and personalities.
Then there’s raw masculinity and raw femininity, which if you’re a guy who swears by that… Your dating life will be barren, you fucking online LARPer.
Or maybe social circle game is your thing. You getting girls just naturally happens. You meet them mingling through your friends, and when the vibe’s on, it’s on.
But why will some girls be disinterested in you even if you’re a hot, successful, high-status guy? Or if you’re masculine and she’s feminine… And you’re both pulling all the right game… But there’s still no real chemistry, or at least nothing that lasts past a hookup or a few dates? Or if you’re both in the same world, you enjoy doing the same things… But you don’t end up together?
I’ve always known attraction runs deeper than preselection, biochemistry, game, or living in aligning physical and emotional worlds with the girls you want. Ever since I lost my virginity, I’ve known that FLOW STATES are crucial in attracting the ladies.
Let’s talk about the girls you attract when you’re in a flow state and the world is bending to your will.
That time I drank a little too much, attempted suicide, and hooked up with two girls in the same week by Fall Out Boy
I downed a bunch of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey in my dorm room one Friday night the November of my first year of college (I was 18, so shhhhh), thinking I was just gonna be having a chill night in. Then an acquaintance of mine (who’d later become a good wingman of mine) invited me to a party and I was like “fuck it, I’ll go”.
It ended up being one of the best parties I’ve ever been to.
As soon as I walked into the house, it was ON. I was ON. I felt POSSESSED. I greeted the host warmly and sharply, spit some game her way, and made out with her pretty fucking soon after that, along with feeling her leggings-clad ass up.
I was a virgin with severe social anxiety at the time. And I’d only ever kissed one other girl, plus been on one shitty date before that.
Then I saw this other girl across the room. I felt even more possessed seeing her. Soon after I confidently chatted her up, I savagely took her, made out with her, and even had my hands down her pants and up her shirt in front of everyone. (Pretty impressive considering I still had my virginity then)
The rest of the night went amazingly. I made a ton of connections, got a bunch of new contacts from girls and guys. Made out with another girl or two. Brought a bunch of people together to joke around and vibe. And overall, I was leading the fun, being the life of the party.
Then after the party ended, that second girl I made out with and I went back to her room and had a shitty hookup before she ghosted me the next day.
To this day, that party was one of the most fun nights I’ve ever had.
Now here’s the not-so-fun part of this story. I may have temporarily been in a high-energy flow state at that party, but my baseline emotional state was LOW at the time.
The crash from that high-energy flow state was brutal.
I attempted suicide a week later.
Compared to that party, my next weekend was underwhelming. I wanted another party like that one, but didn’t get it. I was a WRECK after being ghosted by my hookup there, and had a week-long anxiety attack over her. A lifetime of feeling sexually inadequate, then the first girl who ever touched my dick treated me like I was disposable garbage. I wanted that flow state back more than anything, but didn’t know how to recreate it. I wanted sex more than anything, but didn’t know how to get it.
So I decided to OD and let whatever happens happen.
Then once I woke up in the hospital the next day, my flow state returned. Still drunk-out-of-his-mind me went on a little adventure on his way back to his dorm building, and once he got there, ended up picking up a sober girl who was in the middle of studying, and going back to her room with her not even half an hour after meeting her.
That flow state faded too, sadly.
Every time I went to a party after that, I’d hope for that feeling to return. No matter how drunk or sober I’d be, the rest of the parties I went to that year underwhelmed me with how low-energy they were compared to that one, and how UNreceptive the girls there were to me. I even broke down drunkenly crying at one of them because of how bored and unfuckable I felt.
The years after that, I could summon up these flow states, usually while working on business or writing projects or while training at the gym. But they’d rarely happen with girls. And they’d be totally random.
Until I learned the truth about them 🙂
Masculinity and self-possession
Here’s what I’ve found REALLY makes a man.
Here’s what I’ve found REALLY grounds you in your deepest, most Divine, most powerful masculine energy.
Here’s what I’ve found REALLY makes your behaviour sharp, masculine, and world-moving, instead of gamey, affected, rehearsed, dull, or transactional:
(and is INTOXICATING to the ladies)
It’s not testosterone, game, looks, status, or confidence.
You need to allow yourself to be POSSESSED by something beyond yourself.
Sometimes it’s God and Fate and Divine will. Sometimes it’s goodwill. Sometimes it’s a mission. Sometimes it’s an edge.
But it’s usually your values.
The easiest way to trigger a flow state is to be aware of your values, grounded in them, following them.
Whether you believe in God or not, being a man right to your core means being aware of the highest good and surrendering yourself to it. Or else your masculinity will only ever be a social role and a means to get laid. And when you do get laid, it’ll only ever be with women who see their own femininity the same way – as an affectation.
So what are your damn values?
What will REALLY make you feel happiest? What ways of being will make you respect yourself most? What ways of being will make God respect you most? And I don’t mean making a list of rules for yourself based on the Bible’s words.
Your masculinity is at its sharpest when it’s an instrument of truth.
Uncovering it means clearing out all the trauma and other assorted bullshit that has gotten it fearful over the years, and letting yourself be guided by your deepest truths and values. It means being guided by what YOU viscerally believe, not by the “beliefs” that people who don’t love you have programmed into you.
If you’re miserable, frustrated, disconnected from the world, and going through the motions in life, it’s because you’re off your edge. And why are you off your edge?
Because you aren’t following your true values. You’re driven by ego, not by your highest self. You’re lying to yourself, and these lies are hijacking your masculine spiritual power.
Flow states don’t come when you’re ego-possessed, at least not when you’re ego-possessed around someone who’s more ego-possessed than you, or Divinely possessed. Flow states don’t come when you NEED something from someone, including sex or social approval. Your frame is easily broken when your “happiness” is dependent on mortal validation, and these lower-influence “flow states” only hold up when the people around you are needier and more fearful than you.
My flow state at that party was triggered because the people there valued the same thing I valued that night – chaotic, sexual fun. Then it broke after I couldn’t hold strong to that value of mine anymore and I NEEDED the approval of that girl I hooked up with, leading to a miserable week for me.
Then the next weekend, I was so miserable that I valued killing myself, so following through on that actually triggered another flow state, morbid as that story is. Following that value of mine got me on my edge – facing death and surviving, then making my way home with a dead phone from an unfamiliar part of town. It always puzzled me how of all the times I could have randomly picked up a girl and hooked up with her right there, it had to have been while I was fucked out of my mind on a Saturday morning in my dorm building.
In hindsight, this girl was attracted to me because I was on my edge, in a masculine flow state. Confronting my own (potential) death when I was 18 profoundly changed me and was a step closer to me leaving boyhood behind for manhood.
Girls smell that energy on you, gentlemen. They smell your flow states and your edge, and have a visceral feminine desire to surrender themselves to it.
That’s why you can be in a total drought with women when you’re “in the trenches” of life, then suddenly get a bunch of female attention out of nowhere when you’re starting to make it.
Take a wild fucking guess why 😉
Then take a wild fucking guess about what kills these masculine flow states.
You lose your masculine energy and capacity for leadership when you compromise your values and self-respect. Have you ever gone out with a girl and had your game on point at first, then slowly lost her desire for you as your true, needy self came out? Followed by getting dumped?
I’ve been there.
So here’s how you gain back that energy:
Do what’s right.
Follow your deepest, most eternal truths, not ephermal mortal approval.
Choose self-respect and challenging yourself for a righteous cause, not comfort and safety and repetition.
Feeling like a MAN and attracting women is easiest, most natural when you’re on your EDGE.
The sexual tension, the pull forward, that you feel when you look at a girl you viscerally desire is one of your deepest truths showing itself – you believe this girl is beautiful, and you desire her. Will you surrender yourself to this truth and GET HER, or surrender yourself to fear and ego, and miss out on her?
Possession and sexual desire
A girl who’s aware of her Divine Feminine energy will test your truth. Do you REALLY desire her as strongly as you’re acting like you do? Her “shit tests” aren’t to make you work for her and get in a game battle with her, as much as to see how much you truly, deeply DESIRE HER. Because deep down, she doesn’t want to surrender herself to a man who desires her any less than entirely, any less than for all of her.
Now, how do you tell if your desire for a girl is out of truth, or out of ego?
If it’s out of ego, then the thought of losing her or being without her will crush you. You’ll be more in love with your future relationship than with your present relationship. You’re needy for her approval.
The more a girl TRULY resonates with you, the more “on”, the more easily, naturally, and early into knowing her your sexual relationship will develop. You’re willing to give her up if it means preserving your values and self-respect, and you want her out of DESIRE, not need.
You won’t have to force yourself to approach her, nor talk yourself into it, nor calculate your game and how you’ll get her into bed. Before you even conscuously register what’s happening, you’ll have already fallen into a flow state triggered by her existence.
You’ll feel possessed around her, at least as long as you believe she’s beautiful and that you deserve her.
But before you get lazy and start thinking your dating successes will “just happen” with no effort on your part, know this:
Not all of the times you feel possessed around a girl will lead to you retaining her.
Often, you’ll strongly and viscerally desire part of her, but not all of her. You’ll feel possessed by her personality, but not her looks, or vice-versa – She’ll feel desired for her looks and be receptive to you for it… but when it’s time to connect through your personalities, there’s no draw to each other. I’ve had both of these scenarios play out in my life multiple times.
Or maybe the age difference is too much of a deal-breaker, or maybe she’s already in a serious relationship that she’s happy in. (This happened to me once with a girl I was intensely attracted to both physically and psychologically, who I hit it off fantastically with… but she was 7 years older than me and soon to be married, eventually with a kid)
Or maybe the girl will be attracted to your looks and your personality… but you’re not the kind of guy who’s high-status in her world, so she’ll drop you.
This feeling of possession is a spectrum, not a binary. The girls you feel this most strongly for (and them for you) end up being loyal, dedicated girlfriends. When felt to a lesser degree, this possession leads to learning experiences with girls who don’t stick around, but still change your life somehow.
So you can’t sit back and wait for these flow states to happen, despite them being VITAL in attraction. You need to create the right pathways, the right conduits in your life that allow them to happen.
These conduits are the three fundamentals of attraction.
You have to get your looks, fitness, and biochemistry right, so you can “afford” dating girls you’re physically attracted to, so neither of you will be embarrassed to be seen with each other in public.
You have to get your game, lifestyle, social circle, and overall positioning right, so you actually meet the girls you’re attracted to NOW instead of waiting for these meetings to happen “someday”.
You have to get your psychological, spiritual world right. So you stop self-sabotaging with the girls you most desire, and so once you do get with them, your relationships are healthy and joyful instead of destructive or dull.
Once these three fundamentals are in check, accessing your masculine flow state becomes a piece of cake, not unpredictable and random.
A flow state isn’t simply something you feel when you do work that speaks to your deepest values…
It’s something you feel around girls who speak to your deepest values, or to more superficial ones that need to be eradicated.
So watch your sense of possession when you see a girl you consider approaching. How do you feel when you look at her? Like she’s logically the type of girl you should be attracted to, but you don’t feel the visceral desire for her? Like you’d be down to have sex with her… but not keep her around for more?
Or do you feel possessed, like you HAVE TO chat her up and see what happens? And often, this happens automatically.
The less in-control you feel around her, the more you’re unconsciously drawn to her, and the more she’s unconsciously driven to open herself to you, the more likely she is to make a good girlfriend.
Being viscerally aware of your capacity for POSSESSION – desire, violence, tension, and surrender to the highest good is the difference between:
Looking like a pissy, limp-dicked cunt when you’re angry.
VS
Embodying righteous anger and being able to put the fear of God into someone with your words.
AND
Having a dating life built on transactions and validation seeking.
VS
Having a dating life built on raw sexual desire and mutual appreciation.
AND
Feeling like your life is at the mercy of the world.
VS
Being able to lose it all and still smile.
It’s also what makes an “Alpha” man vs a “Beta” man.
You can get jacked, get rich, and get laid, and still fundamentally have a “beta” orientation towards women and sex. Such a “Beta” may have a bunch of cool superficial things, but his orientation is still fundamentally transactional and in need of mortal approval – it’s to make women happy more than himself.
The root of “Alpha” as a man isn’t about muscles, money, and getting laid.
A “Beta” man is possessed by his ego and his need for approval.
An “Alpha” man is possessed by the highest good and the Divine Masculine.
Now, are you ready to see me in coaching and develop this exact connection to YOUR Divine Masculine energy?
Yes, we’ll work on your looks and your presentation, your game and your lifestyle, and on your mindsets and your emotional health.
But what sets me apart from most dating coaches isn’t that. You already know what does.
– Ben
