I’m as into self-improvement as you are, perhaps a bit more so or a bit less so.
And yeah, spreading the gospel’s been tempting – trying to get other people into lifting, nofap, cold approach, biochemistry, working on their mindsets and bodies and spirits…
So here’s a harsh fucking lesson I’ve learnt many times, even earlier this year when I was reflecting on some poor choices in friends I’d made, and my overall Savior complex at the time that drew them and our codependent dynamics to me:
You can’t force people to change. Change is a deep choice they make for themselves, not a lifestyle you can sell to them or explain to them.
Oh boy, do you know how many times I’ve met a guy who was struggling with the ladies and been like “yo I’m a dating coach, so if you work with me, then…” or at least been tempted to chat such a guy up? Best case scenario, given him precise, intricate advice… THAT HE DIDN’T FUCKING TAKE? Guess how that’s turned out.
An unenthusiastic “I’ll think about it” every time (TRANSLATION: “yeah I’ll keep my limp dick, thank you very much”)
Not everyone is built like us, bro.
Some people WANT to be losers, and will do whatever they fucking can to keep losing. They fear the responsibility and sacrifice winning and improvement demand of us, so they do whatever they fucking can to keep losing.
So no matter how many millions of paths to success and purpose you show them, they’ll take the one path to comfortable misery every time.
There’s 3 types of people who are in dire need of improvement, and who you don’t want to let in your life:
The weak, the hurt, and the malicious.
Weak people are defined by their victim mindsets. They’ll be cheering when you lose, because it validates their own lack of self-worth. These are people who refuse power over their lives and their circumstances, and get treated with comfortable indifference for it. They perceive life as happening TO them and AGAINST them.
Are they bad people though?
I’d argue yes.
If they can’t stand against evil, they can’t stand for good. They may be possessed by goodwill when it’s easy, but they can’t stand for it and are easily taken advantage of by manipulators. Plus they’re usually covertly manipulative, and will play all sorts of hidden games to protect themselves.
Weak people refuse to do hard things. This makes them unreliable and unable to have integrity under pressure.
Avoid people who think in victim mindsets, and your life will get better.
Now let’s talk about people who are hurting. These guys and gals can be strong and reliable, and they’re better company than weak people are, if they have the boundaries to enforce good, BUT. They’re traumatized, and not entirely aware of how deep it goes.
Depending on how deep their hurt goes, they may or may not be a good time. They also may or may not be good people. LOTS of nuance here.
Aaaaaaand the malicious are people who gain energy from harming and manipulating others. They don’t simply put up defenses around their trauma that inadvertently make other people’s lies worse, as many otherwise good people do. They LIKE harming people, and will go out of their way to do it. These people exist in all of polite society’s echelons, and I advise you not to ignore your intuition around them.
So how do you tell who’s who?
And more importantly, who’s responsible and capable of growth… And who isn’t?
Welp, there’s intuition, but also:
Judge people by how they act during conflict.
What do they stand for when life ain’t easy?
This means NOT playing it safe with the people in your life. Allow conflicts and disagreements to happen. The sooner, the better. It’s easy to hold up a “good, chill human being” persona when things are smooth, but when the boat’s rocked, you’ll see what people are really setting sail towards, who’s gonna jump ship, and who’s willing to ride the turbulent waves and set a better course.
Invite conflict into your life, be okay with being mad at people, and be okay with being the bad guy sometimes.
Weak people will hate you for it, as complaining about their circumstances + trying to bring down the strong and mighty are the only ways they can feel a semblance of power over their own life. Malicious people will double down on their malice or attempt to excuse it. The demons will show their true forms.
And hurt people will be triggered. This triggering will go one of two ways – They’ll either stay emotionally unaware and repress their trauma once more, or they’ll open themselves to it and take responsibility for their healing.
One-strike rule for the weak and the malicious.
No compassion for them. They make their choices in life, and they must own the consequences. Shitty choices mean shitty prizes. That’s how life works.
I used to do three, but I’ve learnt the hard way that 3 strikes invite more misery into your life than is necessary. One strike of bad behavior they don’t own up to, cut them completely out of your life. I have never regretted doing this, but I have regretted allowing it to get to two and three strikes.
Have some compassion for the hurt. We’ve all got our traumas and wounds. But even with them, you must have strong boundaries and understand that shitty choices mean shitty prizes. Act like a weak whiny bitch, get treated like a weak, whiny bitch.
Conflict is actually a GOOD thing. Getting an emotional wound of yours triggered, sending you into anxiety is actually a GOOD thing. So don’t shy away from triggering yourself and other people. Only when your trauma is triggered, can it be addressed and healed.
Only under pressure, can you find out what someone’s really made of. Whether they’d rather be a diamond or a thin sheet of glass. Whether they’d rather throw blame around or be responsible for their actions. Whether they’d rather make excuses for why they can’t face their demons, or fight the spiritual fight whether they’ve got a smile and/or tears on their face.
What are they ALREADY like?
Don’t wait on people to change. If they really wanted to, they’d already be doing it.
Don’t be like I used to be with my Savior complex, trying to give them just the right advice that’ll turn their life around, taking responsibility for solving problems that aren’t mine… and ending up in an endless codependent, energy-sucking dynamic with them instead.
Be sharp. Be discerning. Be a sword of truth. Don’t be afraid to cut someone with the sword of truth. That’s what it’s for. Your sword of truth is your masculinity, and the more aligned with your deepest values your masculinity is, the sharper it’ll be. The better it’ll protect, create, and love.
Anyhoo, this email was BASIC.
There’s a ton more I could say about shitty relationships, and healthy ones.
You won’t regret severing the shitty ones.
You will regret avoiding and destroying the healthy ones.
It’s these hard decisions that make life easier once the growing pains pass – severing the toxic relationships, knowing when to be righteously furious or to be righteously chill, admitting the harsh truths to yourself and to the world, and taking a short-term loss for a long-term win.
I don’t work with guys who avoid these. If you’re committed to being a loser, so be it. I can’t make your decisions for you. If you’d rather hold on to some money you can easily make back, than hold on to an irreplaceable woman’s pretty little titty… Don’t come see me.
I’m not your savior.
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