When boundary-setting makes you UNATTRACTIVE

Impulsive part 2 to the last email, gentlemen. In this one, we’ll talk about exactly this – when boundary-setting is UNATTRACTIVE. Here’s a story from my life.

This New Year’s Eve was an interesting night. It was my first night in Nashville, and I went out to Broadway with a couple buddies + a girl for the obvious party-related reasons.

Anyhoo, I spied a cute girl on the street who I was down to chat up, and thankfully, she and her friend were already being chatted up by a couple of dudes. So I knew – they were open to connection that night.

I like being competitive and I’m a master of winning frame battles, plus the girl was attractive and bangable, soooo…

Fuck it, I’m gonna AMOG, I thought.

I approached the guy chatting her up, made an assumption about his button-up shirt while grabbing its lapel (“Is that shirt from [clothing store I used to work at]?”), and he got defensive, told me not to touch him. So I took my hand off his shirt.

I was a bit drunk, so I don’t remember what happened next. Maybe he told me to leave the girl alone, maybe I stayed in the set, but that girl lost any attraction she may have had for him once I entered the set.

Then that girl ended up with my arm around her at the next bar we went to, while my buddy chatted her friend up and tried gaming her into going home with us.

Sadly, my buddy’s game SUCKED, so I didn’t close that girl, even if I’d built attraction and tension with her. She wasn’t gonna go anywhere without her friend.

I stood there with my arm around this girl, her leaning into me, me not speaking to her unless I reeeally wanted to… And watched my buddy slowly lose more and more frame and presence with the girl he was chatting up. I knew exactly where these girls were gonna go next, now that he’d blown it: Not our place. So I savored the attraction, the masculine/feminine polarity I’d built with my girl, and kissed her on the forehead right before her friend dragged her out of the bar. What went on between us 4 at that bar is newsletter fuel in itself, so let’s save that deconstruction for later.

Let’s talk about the other guy who tried chatting that girl up. His game sucked more than my buddy’s did.

Even if he quickly put up a boundary with me when I crossed one of his lines. Even if he was the one giving me an order, even if I barely said a word to the girl while he’d already had a whole conversation with her, even if he was taller than me…

I dominated him and stole that girl from him. All I did was stand there, be present, and let the girl see me.

So how’d I pull that off?

First things first:

That guy didn’t get firm and dominant when I touched his shirt. He had 1/8 of Gordon Ramsay’s testosterone at best. His tone was whiny and offended. He did put up a boundary, but it was BUTTHURT and DEFENSIVE.

I could have verbally sparred with him. I could have chatted the girl up and gotten her attention on me instead of on him. But I did something far simpler and more effective there – I dominated him directly by creating tension, then relaxing into it as he lost his cool under it. I let him dig his own grave instead of spending my energy digging one for him, or actively attempting to steal the girl away.

I know female psychology. I know that girls are attracted to guys who stay composed under tension, and to guys who lead a situation forward, not to reactive and easily shaken guys.

This guy set a boundary in an unattractive way – getting pissy over something petty.

I “shit tested” his composure and self-control, and he failed. He was a classic example of a guy being all bark and no bite. He was reactive to my frame, my lead, my actions, not I to his. This guy’s boundary-setting came off as controlling and insecure, not dominant and righteous.

Now here’s an interesting question – what would I have done if the roles here were reversed? If he was the one grabbing my shirt, trying to steal the girl I was chatting up?

Honestly, I could have said or done anything and still dominated him.

“You really like touching guys, eh?”

“GET YOUR DAMN HAND OFF MY SHIRT!”

“No, it’s from [another company]”

Or I could have just stood there and done nothing.

The “secret” to this dominance around women and other men isn’t Game or any sort of social skill. It’s the capacity to handle tension, and to keep your integrity and self-control under pressure.

I barely talked to this girl even when I had her leaning against me, nor did I feel interested in chatting shit with her, yet I still got her following my lead, likely down to sleep with me that night… should her friend have been in the mood to fuck my friend.

I was a Game guy in the early days of my dating life. I used to think attracting a girl was all about joking around with her, bantering, telling her stories, making puns and dad jokes, opening up about my life, finding common ground and common interests between us, running game routines that’d supposedly get her in my bed that night. So I’d go out all the time doing exactly that…

And I learnt the hard way many times that while these things all build comfort, and it’s good to know how to do them, they don’t create ATTRACTION, desire, or tension.

Then once I learned to create and hold tension, be sharp, be dominant, be polarizing… My confidence around the ladies went way up. I finally felt like a sexual being around them. I could arouse them without saying a word. Even the simplest small talk could get them acting feminine, submissive, receptive with me.

Women aren’t sexually attracted to a man who’s good at making conversation.

Women are viscerally aroused by a man who can handle tension, who has integrity under pressure, and who’s unperturbable, in full control of himself no matter the circumstances. This is Masculinity. This is Will and Presence. This is Dominance.

From this, boundary-setting becomes attractive and effortless. If you lack this Divine Masculine energy, then any attempt to establish dominance over your surroundings will come off as forced and needy and limp-dicked.

So, the question that may be on your mind now – How do you build up this dominance in yourself? This capacity to carry tension? How do you become a man with a strong PRESENCE, who bends his environment to his will, not a man with a weak presence who gets bent to the environment’s will?

There’s a simple answer, and a not-so-simple answer. Let’s start with the simple one. You need to adopt 2 habits:

1. Lift weights

2. Quit jerking off

The former conditions you to handle physical, external tension. The latter conditions you to handle spiritual, energetic, internal tension. Both will increase your masculine energy, and your presence in the world.

The not-so-simple answer is that you must get acquainted with the animal within you. The side of you that’s a savage killer and a ravisher. Not regress into it, not be owned by it, not actually kill anyone (savagely or not), not give up your higher desires for it. Just acknowledge it’s there, and make peace with it. It’s this animalistic energy that makes you a masculine man, not simply a person with a penis who happens to be male and is interested in having sex with women.

This shadow work is best done with a mentor who’s already fully gone through it in himself. Me, Your Sexual Energy Coach, obviously. <3

Most dating coaches will teach you only how to ACT like a masculine man, and get girls who only ACT like feminine women. They’re about performance, not embodiment.

I’m not like that.

We do a variety of energy work in coaching before we do the external, tactical work. We tackle the foundations of your masculine sexual energy before anything else.

If your type of girl is a pretty lady who’s grounded in HER sexual, animalistic feminine energy, and has plenty more great qualities – generosity, intelligence, honesty, integrity…

See me.

I won’t be teaching you how to date mediocre girls, nor how to be a mediocre man.

I’ll teach you to tap into and embody your highest, most masculine self, and get the girls who align with that version of YOU.

– Ben


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