The two ways to get your needs met

If you’re a “nice guy”, this email’s for you.

The defining trait of such a guy is that he’s scared to stand up for himself, he deeply believes his needs don’t deserve to be met.

So he buries his needs. He creates covert contracts around them, instead of directly addressing and expressing them. Whether it’s the guy who makes female “friends” hoping they’ll put out for him someday, or the “loving” husband who does all sorts of favors for his wife and kids… with strings attached.

I make no excuses for these “men”. Either you wanna git gud or you don’t. Being a man means being responsible for every aspect of your life that is within your control, including how you relate to your emotions.

So if you’re a “nice guy” who’s ready to stand up for himself and get his needs met, here’s what you do.

First, let yourself get ANGRY.

Anger is a boundary-setting emotion. Feeling it means you’ve been violated, and a line has to be drawn about that.

“Nice guys” are terrified of anger. Whether it’s other people being angry with them, or being honest about the anger they feel within. It’s common for these penis-havers to repress, repress, repress this anger, then snap impulsively and uncontrollably. They’re also conflict-averse, which sucks for them because conflict is NECESSARY for growth and happiness.

Now, how’s this anger show itself?

A healthy individual acknowledges this anger, and assumes responsibility for it. They can and do feel pissed, but it’s a controlled rage at any level of expression. They can sheathe it or unleash it at will.

An unhealthy individual projects this anger onto others – throwing blame over petty things. Their anger is healthy, their lack of responsibility for it is toxic. They wave it around chaotically like madmen (or madwomen)

Which is why you see these individuals engage in power trips, manipulative games, and sometimes physical violence. And why you see extremely self-unaware men get pissed at girls who reject them.

“You’re ugly anyway!”

This isn’t just a crude, low-level way of “taking back the power” in the interaction, it’s a natural anger – only misdirected. These men’s anger is a good thing, but they learn the wrong lesson from it. And honestly, it’s a lesser evil than the alternative, volatile as it is. Repression is more damaging than projection.

Again, projection has a healthy alternative – acknowledgement. Being honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. So when you feel angry about something or someone, let yourself feel it. This is an unmet need of your surfacing.

Now, “nice guys” don’t only believe their NEEDS aren’t valid. “Nice guys” believe their VALUES aren’t valid, and thus they repress these too.

The core of male-female attraction is FLOW STATES.

(I talk about exactly that right here)

And these flow states come from living by your values, being deeply in touch with your kinesiology. Noting what makes you feel strong and get hard, and surrendering yourself to it.

Just like anger, “nice guys” are scared of flow states.

Because to stand up for your values means also standing against their opposite.

It means being polarizing, and potentially offending someone, and we know how much “nice guys” loooove feeling like they’ve offended someone. You can’t stand for honesty without also standing against falsehood, for example. You can’t put up a boundary with a girl who’s disrespecting you without valuing your self-respect above her opinion of you.

Men who are polarizing, who live by their deep values and are unafraid to stand by them, ARE EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE. Some people love them and some people hate them. It’s easy for them to fall into flow states as they’re living life, and be attractive to beautiful women for it.

Such a man still feels fear, he just values something greater above it – his needs and his values. He values the truth, and needs to express it.

Men who aren’t so polarizing, who go along with the crowd and with popular opinion, who don’t have such a strong sense of their deepest values or the world’s deepest truths, aren’t so attractive. Few people hate them, plenty of people like them, but few people love them. These men go through the motions in life. Flow states evade them. Unpolarizing, nice men see little luck with women, until they get settled for when a lady’s trying to settle down.

So if you constantly get walked over in your relationships, or you attract people who drain the life out of you, it’s not because you’re pulling the wrong game.

It’s because you’re either disconnected from your deep values or from your anger.

And if you want to be a man down to your spiritual core, and effortlessly attract women who enrich your life, it’s time for you to rediscover these.

It’s time for you to tell the demons around you to fuck off. It’s time for you to reject codependent relationships where you’re trying to save yourself through saving someone else.

It’s time for you to Do The Work, clear out your traumas and your neediness, and rediscover who you truly are beneath the bullshit.

Or you can stay unaware, nice, and afraid of truth. Afraid of conflict. Afraid of life’s forging fires.

I admit I’ve been a needy nice guy myself. 5 years ago, I’d get panic attacks over the possibility of people not liking me. I used to be scared to offend girls or be rejected by them. I used to be perpetually friendzoned by girls I wanted to have sex with, and as they’d tell me about all the guys they were seeing and hooking up with, I felt like my sexual needs would never be met.

Then I Did The Work.

I rediscovered my masculine sexual energy. I took responsibility for my feelings and for getting my needs met. I learned some game. I decided to stand for something, and let people dislike me.

Now I’m here to help guys accomplish in MONTHS what I did in YEARS. My clients have been clueless virgins, guys who’ve dated around and wanted to improve the quality of their options (also make a girlfriend of the best one), and guys with girlfriends who’ve needed to deepen the intimacy with her… or risk losing her.

See me in coaching, and become my next client success story, wherever you’re at in your journey.

– Ben


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