Imagine there’s a rug in your living room.
And there’s a bunch of LEGO swept under it. You can’t see the LEGO. But the rug’s bumpy. Uneven. Not aligned with the floor.
How would it feel to walk on it?
“The rug’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with it,” you say.
Really?
Then why’s walking on it so uncomfortable? Why’s the rug hurting your feet when you step on it?
Why don’t you just lift the rug up, sweep the LEGO out from under it, and then walk comfortably on it?
“LEGO? What LEGO? Besides, even if there was something under the rug, lifting it and cleaning the floor under it would take too much energy and be too uncomfortable. I’d rather leave it as it is.”
Well buddy, you’ve got two choices here. Either you can ignore the LEGO under the rug, and let people who walk through your living room hurt their feet…
Or you can choose to see the buried trauma that’s secretly controlling your life for what it is. Lift the rug. Sweep it out.
That’ll mean triggering it.
That’ll mean telling yourself the Truth about it.
But even if you do this, go to therapy, talk to someone about what you’ve been through, what you’re feeling, you’ll feel better for a bit, yet you’ll likely stay stuck.
Healing trauma and becoming your best self requires improving how you think, but mindset work is only one step forward.
Being cognitively aware of your trauma and intellectually understanding it only progresses you in the intellectual realm, not the physical or spiritual realms.
For ACTUAL healing, actual progress, you need to become aware of your body and your heart, and learn how to ALLOW energy to move through your physical body and energy body, rather than forcing it, which leads to either burnout or stagnation.
SEX is one of the primal, primary ways we do this. It can either be a RELEASE for your trauma, or a PERPETUATION of it. Sexual healing or sexually transmitted cursing.
Your body contains a circuit of sexual energy, connecting your Head and your Heart and your Sex.
When you undergo a traumatic experience, this trauma stores itself in your body and creates blockages in this circuit.
How do you feel after you watch porn?
Drained?
Dulled?
Sexually insecure?
Anxious?
Like you’re severed from your body?
That’s because watching porn is a sexually traumatic experience. Unless you’re REEEEALLY spiritually aware, your unconscious can’t tell the difference between what’s happening on the screen and what’s happening in real life. Your unconscious mind thinks you are masturbating in the vicinity of a superior man taking the girl you want and fucking her, while you’re powerless to do anything about it. All you can do is watch.
It’s the same thing with all other traumas.
Your body can’t tell the difference between your past experience and your present experience. When trauma is stored in your body, your body behaves as if it’s still occurring, even if the traumatic event happened many years ago. And often, you’re so used to this pain and stress that YOU DON’T EVEN REALIZE IT’S HAPPENING UNTIL IT’S TRIGGERED AND “HOPEFULLY” HEALED.
This’ll lead to sexual and social anxiety, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, generally being down on yourself, being unable to create healthy relationships and choosing unhealthy, perhaps toxic ones instead, and a whole ton of other problems you may not find very fun.
So if you’re sick of settling for your broken, traumatized self, and all that this version of you attracts…
(and you’re ready to heal!)
How do you heal?
How do you remove this trauma from your body and restore its Sexual Energy Circuit to normal?
Well.
You need to make your energy MOVE. You need to gain control of it, mastery of it.
You need the flow, the stream of your energy to erode the dams of trauma occupying your body.
Before I was a dating coach, I was an EXTREMELY insecure guy around girls. I would befriend them and listen to them tell me all about the guys they’re seeing, “patiently” waiting for the day it was my turn to have sex with them (the girls, not the guys). I would be terrified to cold approach girls outside parties and bars. Every date I’d go on would end horribly, and with the one gorgeous girl I dated who REALLY liked me and wanted more of me, her sexual insecurities and my transactional mindsets about physical intimacy killed things between us.
And even after I started getting laid a little, doing some shadow work, moving out of an immature masculinity into exploring my feminine energy… A real relationship, real intimacy with a lady has eluded me. I’ve shied away from vulnerability, and have ruined things with many girls who could have been great fits for me thanks to that.
I’ve had A LOT of trauma wrecking my dating life, my sex life, and my overall mental health and relationships that’s needed healing.
And I still have some left today that I’ve been becoming consciously aware of, and more importantly, DOING THE WORK to heal.
So HOW DO YOU HEAL, when you’re not even aware of all the LEGO that’s been swept under the rug?
TENSION AND SEXUAL ALCHEMY
Every time you trigger yourself and face your trauma head-on, your threshold for tension, for carrying sexual energy, increases.
You can only fix your trauma to the extent that you have discovered your masculinity and femininity, but we’ll not talk about this just yet.
Oftentimes, this sexual healing happens in a sexual relationship. You get deep and intimate with someone, connecting with them through your Head, your Heart, and your Sex. And this person becomes a mirror to you, a trigger for your sexual energy to move through your body and heal your trauma, should you choose to let it. Whether it happens in the bedroom or outside the bedroom.
Sex isn’t simply an exchange of fluids, but an exchange of energy. Energy is contagious, and SEX is the most intimate energy exchange you can have with someone. SEX can either curse you or bless you, depending what intentions you enter it with.
But I understand that not all of you have this sort of relationship, nor feel worthy of it yet, consciously or not.
So you may be surprised when I say this:
Masturbation can be healthy. And you can use it as a means to explore + purify your sexual energy and its pathways.
I’m not a NoFap dogmatist, though it’s legit and I regularly go weeks on end without cumming.
Yet I’ve learnt the hard way that simply retaining your seed will NOT fix all your girl problems. I do feel sharper when I go a week or two without cumming, but sometimes this sexual energy of mine has gotten stuck, stagnant against the trauma in my bodymind, and I’ve had to jerk off to it to clear it out.
You can’t perform this Sexual Healing on yourself while looking at porn, or even at images. This will only perpetuate your trauma, get you in your head, and get you stuck in a cycle of stress and release.
Instead, when you get sexually triggered and NEED a release, let yourself have it.
Whether you’re thinking about some girl from your past you were scared to escalate with, even if she liked you. A girl who represents all the pretty girls who’ve rejected you and gotten you sexually insecure. Or that girl you approached who checked all your boxes… But had a boyfriend.
Whatever girl won’t leave your mind, think of her and release her influence over you. Indulge her, see her for who she IS, not for who your fantasies would like her to be, and clear her out of you. If you didn’t get her, she’s not meant for you.
Again, don’t be doing this to any videos or images. Do it to YOURSELF. Place your awareness, attention, energy on your body, your Sexual Energy Circuit, and on the flow of sexual energy breaking through your traumatic blockages.
This is also how you fix porn-induced sexual trauma in your body, by the way. Simply abstaining from porn isn’t enough. You need to TEACH your Sexual Energy Circuit how to work properly.
Otherwise, your sexual energy will stay stagnant. Blocked. Reacting to the same traumatic stimuli instead of moving beyond it. No matter how long your semen retention streak is.
If your trauma is primarily in your head however, I recommend journaling to move the energy out of there. Get your thoughts out of your head, and onto a page or a text document.
If it’s primarily around your heart, I recommend extending appreciation to other people. Find at least one thing to GENUINELY appreciate about everyone you meet. Do the same for yourself. Own where you’re at. Remind yourself of all the invisible progress you’ve been making in your self-improvement journey so far.
But if my advice here is certainly all words, but they aren’t resonating with your heart just yet, maybe this will:
Masculine and Feminine healing
The modern mental health scene demonizes triggering your trauma. It’s a community full of spiritually weak, sexually dissociated people who wouldn’t survive the apocalypse.
They have bad, distorted relationships to masculinity and femininity. These are both triggering energies. They may appear to be superficially different, but deep down, masculinity and femininity are the same energy – Sexuality – expressing itself in two different ways.
Some people trigger their trauma, then bury it in kinks and fetishes, pornographic fantasies they may or may not bring into reality. They chase dopamine and cortisol hits from letting their trauma fuck them. From repeating it. Making it their identity.
Other people are braver than that.
They take triggering experiences, and alchemize them. And few things are as triggering as sexual insecurity. Sexual growth and maturation, physically and spiritually.
Triggering and healing can happen in Masculine ways – “get your shit together” moments, reminders to be more responsible, righteous anger, setting the bone.
AND you can experience Feminine healing – warm comfortable embraces, letting your stuck emotions flow, righteous surrender, wrapping your energy body’s broken bones in a cast.
This healing can come from outside you, from more spiritually mature people than yourself, but to reach your highest Spiritual potential, you must cultivate BOTH these energies within yourself and become capable of GIVING this healing both to yourself and to other people. This is an ability that the vast majority of modern, sexually dissociated, lost people LACK.
Now I’ll get a bit vulnerable with you gentlemen.
My insecurities around women get #TRIGGERED like a motherfucker sometimes. I get down on myself, telling myself “this is how it always happens, every attractive high-quality girl already has a boyfriend, you missed your window to get one, your logistics with the best girls for you will always SUCK, you will NEVER get into a relationship BEN FOTH !!!!”
But while I may have trauma around the fairer sex, I’m not a little bitch about it. I’m even way further along my journey of healing it than I was last week. I embrace triggering experiences. I take this triggering as an opportunity to heal, not to simply jerk off to my feelings. Even if the healing doesn’t happen immediately.
While I don’t have insecurities about my sexual value anymore, and attraction, game, tension and comfort have become routine and predictable…
I still have plenty of insecurity about how fit I am to be in a deep, intimate relationship with a girl. Did I miss my window for young love? Will I only ever be bangzoned by girls I like, not worthy of commitment? Why do logistics always ruin things with most girls I feel extremely attracted to?
These triggering experiences remind me to be more responsible for these insecurities of mine, rather than sweeping them under the rug, rather than waiting for some perfect, idealized girl to come into the picture and meet all my needs. If I’m not “pulling my weight” with self-responsibility, I take it as a cue for Masculine healing. If I’m being too hard on myself, forgetting my intrinsic value as a man, as a person, and as a soul, I give myself some Feminine healing.
Meeting a girl who I find attractive, but with whom logistic or “she already has a boyfriend” BS ruins things, (or SHE’S the one who doesn’t “know the dance”, even if I’m doing everything right) doesn’t cause me to have limiting beliefs and insecurities. Rather, they TRIGGER the ones that are already embedded in my body. And it ALLOWS me to clear them out.
You need to feel it to heal it.
Or else these traumas and insecurities will stay stuck in you. Your body will keep responding to them as if they’re real in the present, UNTIL YOU BECOME CONSCIOUS OF THEM AND CLEAR THEM OUT.
Now what about you, my dude? What’s your story?
You feel sexually worthless? You weren’t one of the “cool”, “in” kids back in the day?
The boys or the girls back in school bullied you and excluded you?
You’ve never been with a girl you REALLY like? You’ve only ever settled?
A girl or multiple girls from your past mistreated you and closed your heart up?
You have other sexual trauma I haven’t listed here?
Why don’t you heal yourself?
Because as long as this LEGO is buried under the carpet, it WILL hurt to walk on, even if you’re used to the pain and have numbed yourself to it.
This buried trauma will secretly control your life and sabotage you with the ladies as long as it’s blocking your body’s Sexual Energy Circuit.
Depending on where you’re at in your journey of healing, forgiving someone, moving beyond a traumatic event, realizing it’s all for the best… may not help you.
Sometimes you’ll need to get ANGRY, pissed off, screaming, raging. Cursing the name of whoever hurt you.
Sometimes you’ll need to understand the events more rationally. Your parents were imperfect, flawed people just doing their best to raise you with what they knew at the time. The person who sexually assaulted you didn’t view you as a human with needs and boundaries, they viewed you as an object to take control of. The kids who bullied and excluded you in school weren’t the people who would have added massive value to your life anyway. All the pretty girls who rejected you weren’t really so great (or pretty).
In any case, revealing Truth at all levels will heal you and turn the negative tension of trauma into positive tension – Sexuality. POWER.
Guys who want to shy away from risk and keep wallowing in their bullshit aren’t welcome in my coaching program. In fact, they’re scared of it, so I don’t deal with them anyway.
But if you’re ready to improve how you think, feel, and sex… Not just physically and intellectually, but energetically…
Understand that the harm that’s been done to you will become your power once you heal your energy body.
Anyhoo.
We’ll get far more deep and esoteric than this in coaching. We’ll explore your energy, not just your mindset.
That’s why it’s called Sexual Energy Coaching 😉
And of course, we’ll go through the typical dating coach stuff – how to approach a girl, keep a conversation going with her, online dating stuff, positive mindsets about yourself and about women, how to get laid, how to improve the quality of your options…
Enough said.
– Ben
