My boy, there are levels to our dating woes.
Some “men” are dedicated to being losers and no “advice” will ever make them get their shit together.
Some of us men haven’t gotten lucky at all, but we’re working on ourselves and we’re a few mindset shifts away from getting some wins with the ladies. 😉
Many of us are average. We have some good things going for us, but we see little luck with the ladies, with the occasional win. Maybe you’ve had a handful of one night stands + a past girlfriend or two.
Maybe you clean up sexually and have many options, but your psychology’s not quite ready for something lasting.
Or you’re objectively a high-quality guy – you’re fit, ambitious, accomplished, driven, intelligent, kind, mature, and fun…
And you’re in the market for a girlfriend on your level…
But it seems like every attractive, high-quality girl out there has a boyfriend. And she’s happy with him. You missed your window for a relationship with such a girl, did you?
If that’s you, this article is for you.
I’ll be giving you some REAL advice, not any crap like
“it’ll happen when you least expect it !!”
“just focus on yourself and do things that make you happy bro !!”
“you should learn to be happy by yourself before you’re happy in a relationship !!”
“just work on yourself bro !!”
No shit. Also, this “advice” is shit.
USPS will not deliver the girl of your dreams to your doorstep while you’re busy at the gym, at the hiking trail, at your Cool Adult Hobby classes, or working on your career.
If you’re not actively pursuing women and forging yourself in the field, you will stay single. It’s okay to care about finding a relationship! It’s okay to make dating women a priority, and to be pissed that you don’t have the results you want yet. If you care immensely about finding a gal who’s right for you, it’s better to embarrass yourself and make mistakes in the field than to sit at home comfortably making no progress. Taking risks and embracing tension + uncertainty is how you learn. This is how you forge a true sense of confidence around women.
Look, I get it. I didn’t have a lot of confidence in high school or college. Started losing my hair at 14, had immense social anxiety at 18, and even when I started REALLY putting the reps into improving my dating life – learning all the theory about male and female nature, going into the field all the time, doing my shadow work and feminine energy work – the massive amount of trauma I was carrying ensured I’d end up with girls who were ALSO broken and detached from reality.
Then I experienced more trauma that closed me up, got me putting many barriers up around my heart, and gave me a tough time connecting with people like I’d used to.
(I’ve since worked through it and healed it, so don’tcha worry bout me)
So I never got the high school sweetheart, or the college sweetheart experience. I’ve been insecure about this, very insecure, constantly beating myself up over having missed the window to lock down an attractive, high-quality girl.
And as I’ve worked on myself, gotten into the best shape of my life, achieved a bunch of cool shit, lived a bunch of cool stories, overcome my trauma, forged myself a divine sense of purpose, and become a healthier, loving, much more confident, and much more integrated man…
As I’ve forged myself into the man who IS worthy of being with a gorgeous, fantastic girl…
I get the “I have a boyfriend” rejection from every single girl I chat up. They’re not lying, they’ve got boyfriends and they’re happy with them.
This may put my ego in agony, but my soul is VIBING through it all. We’ll elaborate on this in the next section 😉
I’m an attractive, masculine guy who’s in great shape, dresses well, knows game, has a fuckload of ambition AND works every day to make it real, has plenty of stories to tell, has Done The Work to clear out the vast majority of his traumas and dissociations, and is a fun, sexy time overall… So I do attract these girls and get them interested in getting to know me. I’m just quite late when it comes to claiming their hearts.
And though I’ve dated + slept with girls who’d make my socially and sexually anxious past self’s jaw drop…
I still feel like I’ve missed my window when it comes to a healthy, intimate, high-quality, young, lasting relationship.
I need to slap myself, tell myself to stop wallowing in pity about that.
I’ve decided to have some moxie instead.
I’m here to disprove that limiting mindset, both in myself and in you.
(that’s right boys, I’m a fallible human being who still has some limiting beliefs and less-than-ideal mindsets, not a perfectly wise sage of the fairer sex who can get any hot girl he wants! Though somehow my clients get fantastic results working with me anyway…)
But first, let’s rip a bandaid off.
I’m not one of those redpill guys who thinks spouting Harsh Truths About Female Nature™ is revolutionary or mind-blowing.
Like wow, tell me more about how women want High Value Men™ and about all the stupid, mean girls who’ve been abusive to you and broken your heart… Maybe you should start a podcast and talk about that same shit every damn episode.
I love women. I see women as the imperfect and nuanced and multi-dimensional PEOPLE they are, not as idealized sex goddesses like some guys do. Their dating lives often suck too, and they can feel just as powerless as we men do in finding a partner.
I also understand their insecurities, their dark nature, and how downright stupid they can be sometimes.
Neither one of the sexes has an excuse not to Do The Work though, and become a self-empowered, autonomous, actualized individual who chooses their relationships out of Love, not Fear.
HOWEVER.
Yes, your fears are objectively correct.
EVERY good-looking, high-quality girl is taken. By their very nature, it’s impossible for such a girl to be truly Single. She is valuable, in demand, capable of having a healthy pair-bond with a guy, an object of desire designed to be pursued, not the pursuer, and will thus have an extremely easy time finding a valuable guy in her social environment to lock down.
Either she’s happy with her boyfriend/husband, in a failing relationship, or at least has an abundance of options pursuing her, many of whom have their shit together.
This is the reality of a pretty woman who’s “in demand”. She’s never had to prove herself or suffer in the arena to get a decent mate. When she’s young, she’s got an option around every corner. And the overwhelming majority of these girls are committed to their high school or college sweetheart.
But for fuck’s sake, don’t be a little bitch about this.
If you whine about life when the odds are stacked against you, you don’t deserve a high-quality girl’s devotion.
If you refuse to take risks with women, and make excuses instead, blaming your lack of success on the world instead of on your lack of responsibility, I hope you like dating fat chicks. Or at least ugly ones. Maybe you’ll settle for some half-decent girl who KINDA turns you on, because finally, you’ve met a single girl who’s into you.
We don’t do these loser mindsets around here.
Here, we take 100% responsibility for what about our lives is in our control, and 0% responsibility for what isn’t.
So if you wish to be a winner, not a loser, read on.
How to get a pretty, high-quality girlfriend
Look brother, it takes only one YES to change your life, to bring a beautiful, amazing girl into your life. If you approach a million girls who reject you, then one who ends up being an amazing fit for you, you didn’t lose a thing!
You need to value the habit over the results. The former is in your control, the latter isn’t.
And to get that one YES, you’ll have to endure a bunch of NOs. If you have any masculine energy in you, this dance with death will possess you, not make you run away from it in fear.
You’ll have to re-evaluate your relationship with rejection, and understand that a girl rejecting you, whether or not she has a boyfriend, only means that THAT SPECIFIC GIRL IS NOT MEANT FOR YOU, not that you’re sexually worthless and no high-quality girl will ever hold your hand.
When you embrace rejection, your ego may be in agony, but your soul will be well-nourished.
We can look at this “every high-quality girl has a boyfriend” problem in two ways.
We can understand women’s nature and how their Realities function, understand that of course, a girl who’s gorgeous and interesting and emotionally healthy WILL BE in demand and have an extremely easy time finding a long-term partner.
AND we can look at it more deeply, spiritually.
You having this problem is for the best.
You’re being redirected onto a more aligned path, towards women who are far more aligned with you.
I have some good news for you, bro. Wait a few months, a few years, or if you’re REALLY making progress, a few weeks or days or even hours or minutes. Then look back at that girl you really “wanted” who rejected you. Odds are you’ll notice deal-breakers in her, misalignments with your higher self, and you’ll be HAPPY you didn’t get her.
You’ll realize you were ego-possessed by her, not Divinely possessed.
I don’t regret a single approach I’ve ever done, I don’t regret ever chatting up a girl. Even if it’s turned out poorly, I’ve learnt a valuable insight or lived a valuable story that I still hold dear to this day.
I can’t name you a single girl I regret approaching. But I can tell you many stories of times I’ve had the opportunity to chat up a girl I was attracted to or escalate with her, and I gave into fear instead of following my heart.
So.
How do you get this beautiful girl of your dreams?
Again, let’s give you some superficial advice first.
Take more risks. Meet more girls. Improve how you think. Allow yourself to be rejected, as that’s a trillion times better than regret. The reason you haven’t met the right girl(s) for you yet is because you haven’t met enough girls.
Keep taking action.
And Never. Fucking. Complain.
Attractive girls have no concept of the stresses men go through in the dating world. She won’t relate to your complaints, nor sympathize, nor empathize. If you project your baggage and bullshit and complaining onto her, she won’t sympathetically hug you. She’ll think you’re a WEAK LITTLE BITCH. And so will I.
If you have any urge to complain about women, STOP.
GIT GUD instead.
Now let’s give you some deeper advice.
WHY do you want these girls with boyfriends? What’s got them standing out to you?
I’ll tell you why I’m dealing with this problem.
I give too much of a fuck about the wrong things – about a timeline that was never meant to be in the first place. And I need to improve how I think about myself. I’m not meant to have this sort of “young love” relationship, and I’m Divinely destined to have something better for me, something more aligned. Exactly what, I’m not meant to know yet. But I’ll like it.
I’m still pissed off that I didn’t get Her™, but what I haven’t yet fully processed is that I WAS NEVER MEANT TO GET HER™. That timeline would have been a much worse one than this one. I would never have become a dating coach (except maybe if she tore my heart apart…) I never would have gotten into this scene and met many amazing guys through it. But let’s cut the sappy, feel-good shit here.
I’m looking for a girl who simply “checks the boxes” because I VIEW MYSELF as a guy who simply “checks the boxes”(look how I talked about all my positive traits earlier in this article) . And this is killing my flow states a lot of the time.
But today, I’m in a hell of a flow state. I’m further surrendering to who I AM, not who my fantasies and unmet emotional needs wish I could be. The Truth is healing me.
I’ve also just noticed that I haven’t compulsively looked at Instagram girls in a while, whereas this used to be a multiple-times-daily habit for me, overanalyzing these ladies who don’t give a damn about me… (I’m not even compulsively scrolling on any app besides Twitter)
Because I’m realizing…
My “every attractive, high-quality girl already has a boyfriend” issue is a product of me, more than anything. It’s not a frustration. It’s a reminder – I need to stop caring for things that aren’t right for me. I need to stop thinking about alternate timelines and surrender more deeply to this one, the best possible one for me. I need to give up. Let go of my demands for my life that won’t truly serve me in the end. I need to stop fantasy projecting my future, my future relationship, because these fantasies aren’t really serving me.
Fate knows what’s right for me better than I do. Fate knows what’s right for you better than either of us do.
I have lessons left to learn. And so do you. I may be further along on this journey of GITTING GUD with women than you, but as long as you’re driven to improve, I’m not any better than you. I just have a different purpose in this world than you do. I’m just a guy who’s got some life experience and related lessons you may find useful. I even work with guys in relationships, ironically enough 😉
So if you’re a fit, ambitious guy who’s not getting the results he wants with the ladies…
And you know what, you’ll probably end up like this handsome guy:
Up to you 🙂
– Ben
