My entire adulthood so far has been about WORK.
Staying on top of my schoolwork. Finding a job. Working that job. Putting 8-12-hour days into business projects that ended up becoming my Sexual Energy Coaching thing. Grinding on said Sexual Energy Coaching thing, writing emails for it almost every day. Transforming my clients’ dating lives. Keeping my body strong. Going out and meeting girls, refining my game every time. Working on my biochemistry, trying out foods and supplements to optimize my body and my testosterone production.
Trialing. Erroring. Failing. Winning.
All with the expectation that it’ll pay off majorly someday. 5-figure months AT LEAST. A beautiful queen by my side. A lifestyle of adventure, travel, and many great experiences with the homies.
And you know what..?
“Someday” never came.
Except in my fitness. My fitness has moved forward FANTASTICALLY this year. I set PRs in the gym every time I go and I’m currently the strongest and best-conditioned I’ve ever been, as well as understanding my biochemistry better than ever before.
But in the domains of work and women, I’ve been lacking.
No matter how many blog posts and emails I’d write, no matter how much I’d market myself on Twitter and Tiktok, I’d still only end up working with the occasional client.
No matter how many girls I’d approach, logistic bullshit would get in the way with the ones I was REALLY into. The whole 5 months I lived in Nashville (January-May 2022), I only met 3 girls who I was REALLY into. Two of them were only in town for spring break, and one I met on literally my last day there (plus she seemed older than me, so it wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway)
And recently, every girl I’ve been interested in has been objectively high-quality… But already in a happy relationship. So even if I’m great with game, masculinity, and attraction, these approaches of mine were all Fated to “fail”.
I’ve been hard on myself for this.
Ben, you’re almost 25 and you’re still living off your parents’ money! PATHETIC.
Ben, you called yourself a dating coach for 2.5 years, and yet you don’t have a girlfriend! You barely even date anymore!
Ben, you’re jacked as fuck and will be clean and jerking 250lbs in no time! Good man!
As much as I’m against victim-mindsets, I admit I’ve unknowingly been playing the blame game myself.
Thinking my life’s not where I want it to be because of something outside myself, not because of something within myself.
I’ve attracted toxic friends in 2020-2021 despite doing a ton of work on myself. And I blamed THEM for making my life worse, rather than asking myself what about ME attracted them. (it was my scarcity mindsets about relationships!)
I’ve constantly felt separated from, lived in scarcity with the girls I’ve really wanted to be with. I’ve always thought “when I start college again, that’s when I’ll get on a rewarding career path and meet an abundance of girls in my age demographic, then I’ll have my pick of the litter with everything I know now about gitting gurls!”
After dropping out of college, I’d felt like I’d “missed my window” to lock down a young, high-quality girlfriend, as well as with female and social abundance.
I’ve betted on cold approach to give me success with the ladies. I’ve thought “when I randomly meet a high-compatibility girl for me, I’ll wow her with how masculine I am and how brave I am cold approaching her, and thus, a high-quality girl will finally be mine!” This isn’t me trusting Fate. This is a FANTASY mindset I’d created to avoid facing my spiritual inadequacies.
(even when I met her, something inside me still stopped me from getting with her!)
So while my fitness and relationship with God have been great these last couple years, and I’ve also gotten much closer to my siblings… the domains of work and women were full of ACTION, but not much reward.
I should have asked myself:
Do I not ALREADY have the power to change these domains of my life for the better?
Truth is, I don’t need to wait for the right September to have re-enrolled in college, and only THEN get the career and girl(s) of my dreams.
I don’t need to move to a new city, and only THEN find somewhere I belong.
I don’t need to force my business to succeed by simply putting in more work and more hours.
I don’t need to wait for something outside myself to trigger a flow state in me. I can be in a flow state 24/7 if I wish to be, no matter my circumstances.
(and these days, I’ve indeed been in near-24/7 flow states. this feels awesome!)
I don’t need to snipe a scarce opportunity to change my timeline, Reality, and lifestyle for the better. I haven’t “missed my window” for ANYTHING. Every single day and moment of my life are opportunities for me to massively shift and improve its direction.
If a ship changes course by even one degree, it’ll end up many miles away from where it would have sailed to otherwise.
Last week, I decided on a soul-level to be 100% responsible for my “failings” in life.
These last few years, I’ve been forever at Point A with work and women, with Point B as a perpetual carrot on a stick, no matter how much Action I’d Take.
As long as I assume my future will be better, and my present isn’t good enough, my present shall forever stay not good enough, and abundance will forever stay in a future that hasn’t happened yet.
This reality and its accompanying scarcity mindsets were created entirely by ME.
I wasn’t frustrated because I was in scarcity. I was in scarcity because I was frustrated.
The end is where we start from
Look into a mirror and smile.
What smiled first? You or the mirror?
“The mirror,” said a handsome client of mine on a coaching call a couple days ago. But he was just messing with me. Of course YOU smiled first.
So here’s something that’s gotten me feeling free:
For something about your external reality to change for the better, something within your internal reality must change first.
If you smile at the mirror, the mirror smiles back.
If you approach your Reality with internal abundance, your Reality will return abundance to you.
Because I deeply believed I “missed my window” and/or was waiting for a future window with a bunch of things, I’d attract experiences that’d reinforce that reality.
So let’s re-think cause and effect.
You’re not happy and aligned because you’re taking action to create the life you want.
You’re taking action to create the life you want because you’re happy and aligned.
As I’ve learnt the hard way, especially in March-December of 2020, if you’re taking action because you’re miserable and misaligned, hoping for it to create happiness and alignment for you…
ALL YOU’LL GET FROM THIS ACTION IS MORE MISERY AND LESS ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR SOUL’S TRUE DESIRES.
You’ll forever be Sisyphus rolling that big-ass boulder up the mountain, putting in all the effort you can muster, but never reaching the top of the fucking mountain.
And I was Sisyphus with my work and my dating life for much of 2020-2022.
Rather, I encourage you to think this:
“The end is where we start from.”
This quote from Torchwood has always stayed in my mind, to the point where it’s currently my Instagram bio.
My initial impression of it was “yeah that’s cool, as one thing ends, another thing rises from its ashes”
But now I’m embracing this statement on a deeper level.
Becoming a vastly improved version of yourself isn’t something you earn through action or work. It’s not something you need to bargain with the world for.
It’s your birthright. Living a life that makes you happy is your birthright, and you can’t force this life into existence. You can only make some simple internal shifts to allow it to Manifest.
To live this life…
You need to take responsibility for your soul’s role in it. You need to take responsibility for thinking, feeling, acting, and BEING like the most aligned version of yourself NOW, rather than waiting to become him once something in your external reality shifts.
Which is something I hadn’t been doing in 2019-2022 so far. My successes have felt random and completely out of my control. Until now. 😉
So instead of spending the rest of this article parroting Parallel Universes of Self by Frederick Dodson, the book that prompted this realization of mine, once I read the whole thing in two sittings, I want you to think about that one thing, dear reader:
Responsibility. Internal responsibility.
You disempower yourself when you think of external reality as the cause of your internal state.
So this doesn’t entail writing a wish-list of things you wish to receive from the universe “someday” with no effort on your part. Even with major effort on my part, I STILL spent months and years with only occasional improvements to my circumstances. I wasted my early 20s on frustration and future-projection I could easily have avoided, had I known then what I’m telling you now. I learnt brutally that trusting God and trusting Fate on everything about my life is necessary, but not enough by itself.
I shied away from trusting myself and being more responsible for who I am, holistically.
The more responsibility you take for EVERY DOMAIN of your life – physical, biochemical, financial, professional, intellectual, spiritual – the more joyful, abundant, and rewarding it’ll get.
I shouldn’t have to explain to you what most of those entail. You’re a functional adult. You already know what’s up.
I encourage you to re-think Cause And Effect when it comes to your soul, and to take on more responsibility for your spirit. To not simply work hard and work smart, but to check in with yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is in alignment with your soul’s desires, that it’s making you happier NOW instead of “someday”.
For example, why did I make so much progress in the gym this year? Because I took action, applied my wisdom, yes. But WHY did I take this action?
Because every fiber of my being decided to be stronger than it was the previous day. It’s not that I went to the gym, and then became strong. I decided on a soul-level to be stronger than I was the previous day, and the action, the results naturally flowed from there.
Even when I was 120lbs, I felt like I was Captain America for doing a good set of pushups. And 30-40ish lbs of muscle later…
Ever since I was a clueless teenage boy deadlifting with a rounded back like they all do, this has been my deeply-ingrained mindset about fitness. And it’s time I apply it to every other domain of my life – my work, my women, my soul.
It’s time you do that too, if you’re ready. You can be happy NOW. You can be aligned NOW. You can be in great shape NOW. You can do deeply rewarding work NOW. You can be in a 24/7 flow state NOW. You can attract the women you most desire NOW.
All it takes is a simple internal shift.
And if you especially need this internal shift towards abundance with the ladies, or with your physical fitness, but you don’t entirely know how to go about it…
You’ll get there with or without me, if you truly, deeply desire it. You don’t have to work with me to get the dating life or the physical/energetic capacity of your dreams.
I’m just here to make this shift far quicker and easier for you. So you don’t have to suffer through 5-10+ years of trial-and-error to get your dream gals or dream bodymind. Most of my clients have gotten there after only a MONTH on the phone with me 😉
So if you feel like Holistic Men’s Health Coaching is right for you…
(responsible, driven guys only!)
BTW, that’s right, I’ve rebranded!
I’ve merged the Holistic Health Coaching program with the Sexual Energy Coaching program, and added some Spiritual elements to it. The sales page for the new program isn’t yet ready, but the program itself always has been.
YOU’RE A FEW PHONE CALLS WITH ME AWAY FROM:
- The highest testosterone you’ve ever had (even if your endocrine system’s crashed)
- Putting fatigue, burnout, low energy IN YOUR PAST
- Training like a beast in the gym and watching the number on the scale go up quickly (if your goal is to gain weight) or down quickly (if your goal is to lose fat)
- Removing your procrastination, self-sabotage, and “I can’t focus on the work I’m doing for longer than 10 minutes!” habits.
- Quitting your addictions and sticking to it, with NO RELAPSES. (whether it’s alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, porn…)
- Knowing everything you need to know about optimizing your own biochemistry
- 24/7 flow states instead of constantly waiting for something external to trigger them
- Many positive girl-related things happening to you, like they have to the rest of my clients
- Being more grounded in your Masculine Sexual Energy than ever before