9 Limiting Mindsets I’ve Overcome

Yesterday, I talked about a big limiting mindset, of which I still have a bit left to overcome – the mindset that my internal state is caused by my external circumstances, when the reality isn’t so!

Now let’s go through 9 more of them, because Cady from Mean Girls said it best:

THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST !

So here are 9 things my past self used to think – that actually didn’t serve me, and that I’ve since replaced with better mindsets.

1. Masculinity is the end-all-be-all of self-improvement

If you remember what kind of Twitter poster I was in 2019-2020 especially, then you know I was all about sexual polarity and the BE A MAN type of stuff.

Really, I was posting all that stuff because I DIDN’T feel masculine. I had this idealized self-image of myself as some super manly guy in a world full of modern soyboys who don’t know their manhood.

Hah.

A ton of this “masculinity advice” you find on Twitter, in redpill circles, and in men’s self-improvement spaces in general, is created with the frame that YOU’RE NOT ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH OR MASCULINE ENOUGH.

It teaches you to define your masculinity by petty things, and to engage in a perpetual dick-measuring contest with your idealizations/devaluations of other people.

Do you think a masculine man who’s happy with himself is spending his days reading and writing online masculinity advice behind a lion avatar? (unless it’s part of his dating advice-related career)

You need to understand which guys in this space are LIVING THE LIFE, and which guys are frustrated 40something divorcees with no legacy who are searching for that perfect submissive feminine virgin woman to make them forget they didn’t get laid in high school.

Lemme tells ya, I was NOT happy when I was constantly comparing my manhood to other guys’, constantly looking for petty reasons to consider them less masculine than me.

You have to check THESE boxes, fit THIS mold of a baller or a player or a successful businessman or a faithful Trad husband and father, or else you’re not a man, right?

WRONG.

While discovering your masculinity is a healthy fundamental of your being, just lifting weights and making a bit of money and getting laid doesn’t make you a man.

Here’s how I see self-improvement now:

The point of self-improvement is to leave the world better than you found it.

Discovering your masculine energy, and masculine potency is a necessary FIRST STEP to be capable of enacting this change upon the world, getting into this circle-jerk about who’s masculine and who isn’t, who’s more masculine than the other guy, who’s Alpha and who’s Beta… That’s entirely in your head and doesn’t benefit the world at all.

Once you’re in touch with your masculine power, find ways to GIVE BACK TO THE WORLD through it. This is what being a man is – responsibility, potency, being capable of protecting and providing for your loved ones, and being capable of loving wholeheartedly in the first place. <3

Sticking your manhood into dick-measuring contests won’t make you happy.

So yes, you should lift weights and keep yourself in shape. You should find a purpose for yourself and make your own money. You should get good at attracting women and being the guy they desire, not just the guy they settle for when they’re decaying.

But once you’ve got these 3 things in check, STOP MAKING THEM THE CENTER OF YOUR LIFE, or else you won’t be growing as a man or as a person anymore. Spiritually, you’ll be the guy who peaked in high school and hasn’t done anything notable since besides knocking up a fat chick.

Always be challenging yourself, including in the intellectual and spiritual domains. Always be challenging your assumptions and dogmas about yourself and about how the world works, especially the more black and white they are.

Stay forever on your edge.

You’re a shark. If you’re not swimming forward, you’re sinking. Don’t rest on your laurels.

2. Drinking alcohol is fun

I’m not dogmatically anti-alcohol, and I’ve had my fun times with it.

That’s with it, not because of it.

I was a typical party boy back in college, and after I dropped out and didn’t party so much, I still liked to pull an Ernest Hemingway once in a while and schlonk down enough liquor to stop me seeing right while writing fiction books. Large chunks of a couple of my unfinished novels were written while I was shitfaced on whiskey or tequila.

I’ve made some memories (and lost plenty) with alcohol.

But now that I’m currently 9ish days without alcohol, know this:

I feel a lot sharper going weeks on end without alcohol.

Parties are better when I’m sober. The company (assuming it’s good) is what makes these nights fun, not impressing people with how drunk I can get and still be on my feet carrying a coherent conversation. The parties where that’s been my #1 goal have SUCKED.

I’ve never had a night out at the bars that’s changed my life or been super memorable (at least not for pleasant reasons)

The nights I’ve gotten drunk chilling with a buddy were fun because of my company and because we were sharing an experience together, not because of the alcohol-induced dopamine rush.

During my chill nights in where I’ve relaxed with TV, Netflix, or YouTube while getting blasted, the dopamine rushes have been entirely drug-induced. I was SETTLING for these nights alone, not truly enjoying them.

And hangovers aren’t very fun, to say the least.

So I’ve realized recently that there’s a trade-off between the dopamine rush you get from alcohol, and the dopamine rushes you get living your day-to-day life.

Every time I’ve abstained from alcohol for weeks on end, I’ve been much more present in my life, feeling a lot sharper mentally and energetically, and I haven’t needed to escape into a bottle to have some fun after a productive week. The fun comes from within me, not from within the bottle.

You can make your own decisions about drinking. This is just where I’m at with it. I believe having a few drinks a week ain’t bad, but if you’re getting blackout drunk every weekend, you’re dulling your edge.

3. Every attractive high-quality girl has a boyfriend

I wrote an entire article about this one, but while it’s true GENERALLY, it was still a defeatist mindset that I’d rather not have.

Having abundance in my dating life starts within me, not outside me. And complaining doesn’t fix any problems.

So while yes, MOST attractive high-quality girls are taken…

The ones who are taken wouldn’t be a great fit for me even if they were single.

That’s how dating is. Incompatibilities arise after a few dates. Friction happens once you get a little closer to that certain someone. You realize that someone you thought you wanted (the fantasy of) at first sight actually isn’t so great for you, and often, that that someone ISN’T SO GREAT and is a heck of a lot more flawed than you originally thought.

I’ve learnt many times in my own dating life that the girls you end up with, the girls you naturally click with, usually aren’t the ones who simply “check the boxes”. Every day, I walk past objectively pretty, pleasant girls on the street who I have no visceral interest in being with.

You naturally click and end up with the girls whose rough edges align with yours.

Here’s me at a Halloween party with one such girl

So stop trying to be so perfect. Stop pedestalizing these “high quality girls”, past Ben Foth. There is no such thing as a perfect girl or a perfect guy. You will get who you ARE, not who you desire, no matter how many boxes you check or don’t check.

Human connection doesn’t happen when people hide behind masks of perfection. It happens when we’re vulnerable, when we reveal our TRUE feelings, thoughts, desires, values to each other. Even if we’re super manly men with testosterone that’s over 1000 ng/dL. There’s nothing masculine about emotional repression.

4. It’s me vs the normies

I’m a polarizing guy. I’m a free spirit. I’m no longer on the “college degree then white collar job” career path I used to be on. I’ve decided to be free from the rat race and all its games, and do my own thing instead.

Girls I’ve slept with have told me I’ve made them uncomfortable until they got to know me a bit better. I haven’t always been good with building comfort around the ladies, but I’ve had something resembling a dating life despite it.

So I’ve had a bit of an antagonistic relationship with “normies” all my life – people who fit in, who’ve always fit in, who’ve always known nothing but social approval while I’ve been an outsider.

This normie / free spirit polarization is bullshit.

As many things as the “normies” could learn from me, there has been plenty the “normies” have known that I haven’t.

Plus, they’re NOT cookie-cutter, uninteresting people (some are, but to treat MOST or ALL of them that way is a pure psychological defense mechanism). They’re normal people just like me who want the same things I want – love, freedom, health, success, adventure, feeling like we belong somewhere…

5. I’ve reached my genetic potential with fitness

I used to be an aspiring powerlifter, in my first year of university.

Then by my second year, I gave that up and focused on partying + chasing sex full-time. I’d progress in the gym at a fraction of the speed I’d used to during my fake-powerlifting days, with only the occasional PR.

“Welp, I’ve maxed out my potential here, guess I should just put this to the side and focus on maintaining my gains when I do go to the gym”

Oh, if only I knew then what I know now about biochemistry. I’d already have a 3-plate bench if so.

Really, with the progress I’ve been making in the gym this year, my former “powerlifter shape” I used to be proud of is only the beginning of what I’m capable of physically. 2022 me could kick the shit out of five 2017 versions of me at once.

Again, the limit does not exist 😉

6. Attracting girls is hard

In the very early days of my dating life, and to a lesser, more subtle degree in its later days, I was an insecure “Game” guy. I had a weak conscious sense of my deepest values, I was very needy for some puss (and for making people think I’d get a lot of puss!), and I pursued a TON of girls for pure ego-reasons, not because I appreciated anything real about them.

I’d feel like I was banging my head against the wall in the dating world. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. (while no banging was going on in my bedroom)

And no matter how much redpill, PUA, seduction theory I’d study and apply in the field, the girls seemed to be going for any guy but me.

Of all the girls I pursued during those days, you know how many of them I’d take another chance with as I am now?

One. Maybe two.

I could have saved myself a ton of pain and fantasies that went nowhere real if I’d known:

Attracting girls you’re incompatible with is hard.

Attracting girls you’re meant to be with is easy. It’ll be “on” right from the moment your eyes touch, and you’ll viscerally feel the sexual energy in your entire self.

Look brother, if you’re in decent shape, if you have an ambition you’re working hard at if you’re a younger guy, or you’re a successful older guy, AND if you’re in control of your sexual energy and emotional energy…

You have your pick of the litter when it comes to the ladies. You can afford dating some great gals. The only things holding you back from getting a girl you’ll be happy with are your mindsets and Divine Timing.

Once you have those foundational elements of being an attractive man down, you can afford to vet women by pure personality connection, rather than mostly by whose “sexual market value” aligns with yours (the mindset of a LOSER man!). The women you’re compatible with will also have their fitness, sense of purpose, and sexual/emotional health in check.

You may be so blinded by your own insecurities and anxieties that you forget… Girls are people too, and they’re often even more insecure and anxious than you! Does this explain some rejections you’ve experienced?

If you’re objectively a high-quality guy, then high-quality girls are in the market for YOU!

Never settle for a girl you’re not that into just to have “someone” around. It’s never worth it.

7. My past self sucked and I hate him

Nope.

He was just a flawed, good-hearted young guy figuring out how the world works day by day, like most other people are.

There’s never been anything uniquely wrong with me, no matter what mistakes I’ve made or tough times I’ve experienced. There has only been a lack of awareness of what I’m really capable of.

Even when I looked like this

I encourage you, dear reader, to show your past self some compassion too, no matter how badly you’ve messed up days, weeks, months, or years ago. Your mistakes and bad habits were a cry for help, not a reflection of your value.

8. God will take care of everything

I believe in God and Fate and Divine Will and I trust them wholeheartedly, yet as I went over in my last blog post, I need to believe in MYSELF and my free will as well.

While God’s power does create my Reality with no effort on my individual soul’s part, I still need to use my free will to allow God’s plan for me into my life. Over the last few years, there are certain parts of that I’ve surrendered to – and certain parts I’ve resisted.

While my best life is indeed up to God to create…

I need to be responsible for my individual soul-choices as well.

Because while joy is our birthright and a soul-choice, and takes no bargaining or transactions to attain, it’s in your individual free-will to open yourself to this joy’s fullest form.

Joy isn’t an obligation nor out of your reach. It’s a choice you make every moment of your life. So be aware of how powerful you really are over your own soul.

9. I can make it alone

Yeah, I fucking CAN’T.

I wouldn’t be at the heights I am now, nor attaining the heights I’ll be reaching in the future, thinking my ego has all the answers.

Every time I’ve tried doing life alone, I’ve stagnated. I’ve shot blindly in the dark hoping to hit my target, but

I’ve always progressed the fastest listening to men who’ve known more than me about all sorts of things, and could shine light on where I was lacking and on capabilities of mine I wasn’t yet aware of.

What these mindsets all had in common

Yep, they were all rooted in one core belief:

Success is fundamentally transactional, or something I’m not good enough for as I presently am. Success is something I have to earn from the world, whether it’s fitting the mold of a cool party boy who drinks a lot, a guy who gets attractive girls unlike all the soyboys out there, a God-driven saint, a powerlifter…

There is nothing outside me that’ll give me the life I want or my value as a person.

It all starts within, and I’m already good enough. Anything that tells me I’m not good enough or I shouldn’t be satisfied until I’ve gotten X thing is lying and can get bent.

I could go on a long, sappy rant about how the present is all we have and happiness comes from within, but I think you already get it. I hope this article gave you something to think about though, as I share my Spiritual journey with you.

So where are YOU at?

If you’re not quite where you want to be with the ladies, or with your holistic bodymind…

That’s why I’m here.

Not to give you a blueprint or a list of boxes to check or a 69-step attraction system or a formulaic training program that’ll make you a real man.

I’m here to help you discover the answers that are already within you, and all it takes is the right questions + your drive to improve.

See me in coaching!

– Ben

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