I’ve asked myself who I’m really meant to be with a lot.
I’ve found myself in temporary, unfulfilling friendship after temporary, unfulfilling friendship, dating girl after girl who didn’t stick around, and feeling no vibe with all the rest…
If there’s one big thing I’ve learnt about relationship compatibility (we’re talking about all types of human connections – friendly, sexual, romantic, familial, professional…), it’s that there’s an IT, there’s a je ne sais quoi that naturally draws you two together.
That IT is either there or it isn’t.
And every piece of game, of behavior, of social skill, is either rationalized TOWARDS making this connection happen, or AGAINST it, depending on whether that visceral IT is there. You have less power over making connections with people than you may think, and this should free you.
When you really wanted to be with that flakey girl, befriend that guy who was too cool for you, or just make a good impression on someone you needed a job or a place or a thing from, you were doing alright at first, then you did some Wrong Thing that got them disinterested…. You both were ALWAYS deeply disinterested in each other, even if your “behavior” said otherwise.
That connection was destined to fail, bro! You did nothing wrong!
I know it’s hard to imagine if you have extreme scarcity mindsets.
I’ve been there. Freaking out over girls I hadn’t even gone on one date with yet potentially losing interest in me, which they did after our date happened. Thinking every guy who “fits in” is cooler than me, and that I need to earn EVERYONE’S approval to be a social success, instead of vetting people through my personal values, and keeping them around if the vibe was right.
Then there’s been people (and cats) I’ve befriended, girls I’ve been with, where connecting has been easy. I didn’t consciously realize what was happening until we’d already had a vibe going. Of course, I had to game a little, apply some social lubricant, but this “game” has only been a conduit for what’d ALREADY NATURALLY BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
Why did one former buddy of mine’s basketball roll towards me at the exact time I was walking by him shooting hoops, prompting me to pass it back to him, and him inviting me to join in?
Why did another buddy of mine sit with me of all people at the cafe when he was looking for a table with an outlet? And why did he have the same first name as the main character of the novel I was working on that day?
Why did I somehow end up doing drugs a few times a month with some random perpetually stoned loser in college while I was finally a social success for once in my life, and yet have him become one of my closest, most driven friends (and the only one of my college friends who I’m still in touch with) once we both sobered up?
Why do I feel POSSESSED around the occasional attractive girl I run into, and have these girls be the most receptive to my approaches, yet I feel nothing but a half-hearted “yeah, she’s objectively attractive” for most conventionally pretty girls I walk past as I go about my life? And when I’ve given into my ego and approached these girls, the vibe hasn’t been there at all?
Drop your scarcity mindsets about relationships, dear reader.
Connecting with the people you’re meant to have around you is EASY, however long (or not) these connections are meant to last. And often, all you need to meet them is to surrender to Fate and your Intuition.
This doesn’t mean they’re in your life to make things blissful, nor to leave any boats unrocked.
That former buddy of mine I befriended over shooting some hoops was a shithead who was committed to being a shithead no matter how much effort I’d put into saving him, and a lot of these girls I’ve felt possessed around were captivated by me… Until irreconcilable incompatibilities between us quickly arose.
Yet with no exception, these EASY connections have always left me happier, or at least wiser than they found me.
I encourage you not to get your head up your ass about expecting to ever meet a super special someone who transforms your life. YOU transform your life on a holistic level, and only THEN do you meet these people.
So let’s get more into WHY you connect with who you connect with.
The rationalizations in our relationships
One of my favorite ideas to plant in my clients’ heads is that of the Holistic Self.
What’s a girl attracted to about you?
Your height? Your looks? Your muscles? Your money? Your status? Your game? Your individual personality and all its nuances and quirks? Your level of psychological/spiritual development?
Not by themselves.
She’s attracted to how all these pieces of you fit together. She’s attracted to WHO YOU ARE.
Then everything her conscious mind tells her about why she was drawn to you – “it’s because he’s got [x positive trait] blah blah blah…” – is simply a rationalization for why she was drawn to YOU, out of all the handsome, driven guys she could have chosen.
And of all the feminine, fuckable girls out there, why did you end up with the ones you ended up with? Same thing. Your holistic selves. 😉
Every “oh yeah. she’s just super feminine, super hot, super smart, super sweet…” is a logical rationalization for an emotional, spiritual connection that was naturally destined to be.
Now again, before you get sucked into a blissful “she’s the one for me!” fantasy, I’ll remind you that some boats need to be rocked.
Let’s talk about what happens when your holistic self attracts people who SUCK.
I could tell you that these people are mirrors to traits of yours that SUCK, that letting them go forever means internalizing the lessons they’re meant to teach you, and your conscious mind will get it – assortment effect and all that jazz. But will your heart GET IT?
Your mind may be like “yeah, this person’s not ideal for me.” But why are you keeping a suckish someone around if you know they SUCK?
People in toxic or unhealthy relationships believe they’re better off for being in them.
And believe me, I’ve had mine.
So if your “buddy” or “soulmate” is a garbage can of a person, yet you’re choosing to spend time with them, what needs of yours are they meeting? You wouldn’t be spending time with them if there wasn’t something you wanted or needed from them.
When guys ask me why girls get into abusive relationships, I have a blunt answer for them – Because these girls want to be in abusive relationships. A girl like this believes that being abused will meet her needs better than being respected will.
And if you attempt to “save” her or make her feel loved, valued, appreciated… She won’t bite! Not only does she not believe she’s worthy of love and will reject it every time, but this Savior complex reflects poorly on you! Thinking you’re not worthy of abundance, nor being loved yourself, non-transactionally. Being “saved” is a decision she must make for herself, not be forced into. And you need to ask yourself why you feel like you’re worth a broken girl instead of an emotionally healthy girl who’ll raise you to new heights.
You don’t need to be beaten or manipulated or yelled at over petty things to be in an unhealthy relationship.
Often, these are made of two good-hearted people projecting their baggage onto each other, unconsciously making the other person responsible for their needs or taking responsibility for the other person’s needs, instead of making each person’s needs 100% their own responsibility.
And they believe they’re better off for it.
Until this belief fails them harshly.
How to find true love
Frustrated single people like to make lists of boxes a potential partner of theirs should check. She needs to be feminine, cook, clean, be a virgin, want a family. He needs to be 6 feet tall, make 6 figures, be good in bed…
Then they’re blind to why these relationships implode, have nasty speed bumps, or never happen in the first place.
You live by the sword, you die by the sword.
If you pursue people based on the boxes they check on your list of what an ideal partner should be, then the people you end up with will objectify YOU for “checking the boxes”.
I’ve learnt this. Brutally. 🙂
Plenty of people never do. Going on date after date with nothing to show for it besides situationships, ghostings, emotional non-availability, ambiguous dynamics built on subtle power games…
I don’t fucking deal with this anymore.
I’ve learnt to be a jerk with people who can’t meet my needs, and appreciative with those who can and do.
I’ve learnt to vet people by their character and by their holistic selves, not by how many of my boxes they check.
I trust how my body and soul viscerally react to their presence, not my conscious mind and all its little rationalizations and fantasies. Does being around them give me more energy, or does it drain me?
If you’ve dated a little, I imagine you’ve learnt this one: You DON’T end up with the people who check all your boxes. And when someone’s super into you because you check all their boxes, you feel “in control” of the power dynamic, but your relationship’s still built on a transactional power dynamic! Getting too deep and too vulnerable with this person will make you lose your power, and thus, their attraction to you.
So how do you find loving relationships where you can be yourselves around each other, not just games where you shy away from real intimacy or vulnerability?
Be a dickhead.
Be okay with rocking someone’s boat and seeing what happens!
You end up loving and being loved by the people whose subjective way of being a dickhead is compatible with your subjective way of being a dickhead.
(I talked about this on camera last night!)
In more polite and concise terms, find someone whose rough edges align with your rough edges.
“Checking the boxes” is a good thing though, and you should strive to be fit, good-looking, successful, emotionally/spiritually healthy, and fun to be around, as well as dating people who are the same and who are committed to improvement. What’s NOT a good thing is forgetting your humanity and your love for yourself along the way.
No matter how perfect a persona you put up, and even if it gets you an abundance of options in the sexual and social worlds, your shadow’s gonna come out eventually. You’re gonna make a mistake or cross a boundary eventually. You’re gonna fall short in some way eventually. You’re gonna show who you really are eventually, so why not save yourself the burden of breaking people’s hearts and do it early? Why not figure out who’s with you for your holistic self early?
Even so-called “high quality/high value (wo)men” fall short sometimes (or all the damn time), and I doubt the integrity of anyone who unironically refers to themselves that way.
These people’s dating lives can be “abundant”, but if being “high value” is all you have going for you, then you’ll attract a lot of people QUICKLY…
But burn them out of being with you just as quickly, as you realize that you can’t outrun real intimacy forever.
You can’t outrun your shadow forever.
You can’t keep your dates and your friends in fair weather forever. Sooner or later, storms will come.
Only then, will you see who’s a pansy running from the rain holding their backpack above their head, and who’s going to take their shirt off and dance in it.
Intimacy and human connection don’t happen when you make a perfect impression on someone. They happen when you see ALL of someone, the good and the bad, and decide “you know what, I like this person, I’ll keep them around”
So next time you feel rejected or frustrated, like you’ll never meet someone who’s right for you, it’s not because you’re not tall enough, not good-looking enough, not successful enough, not “cool” enough, or not “high value” enough. It’s not because you wore the wrong shirt or you pulled the wrong game or you slam doors just a little too hard.
It’s because you haven’t embraced all of yourself, and thus, you can’t love and embrace all of someone else.
Take some fucking responsibility for this, not just for the superficial parts of attraction.
One caveat:
Just because everyone has rough edges doesn’t mean you have to tolerate them all! If someone’s of bad character, complains all the time instead of doing anything real to improve their life, lies or cheats or manipulates, you have every right to block this person and/or behavior out of your life.
But you’re gonna have to deal with people’s shadows eventually, or else real intimacy and love will forever elude you. You’ll have to be okay with someone’s haughty, addicted, micromanaging, angry, lustful, demanding moments.
And you’ll have to be okay with your own. Or else you’ll hide your insecurities and your shadow away, praying for the day you finally meet the perfect partner who GETS YOU, but happen upon nothing but disappointment, people who “check the boxes”, but never quite do it for you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and end up in a toxic relationship that reflects your own character flaws right back at you!
That’s what life is like when you don’t take any responsibility for your psychological growth and integration.
A few last things before we cut this one…
I don’t believe that you have ONE soulmate necessarily, nor a specific number who you’re Divinely destined to be with. Nor that WHO your “soulmates” exactly are stay the same throughout your entire life. Some people, you draw into your life because you’re meant to unite for a higher purpose. Some people, you draw in because your soul needs to learn a lesson from them – then either let go of them for good or burn your old dynamic down so a better one can rise from its ashes.
No two people are a perfect fit for each other, so no matter who you’re holistically compatible with, disagreements and value-conflicts will arise between you two sooner or later. And where your relationship goes from there depends how emotionally healthy and mature you both are (or are willing to be), on what’s REALLY holding you together beneath the superficial things…
…and on Fate 😉
Don’t assume this means there’s no work to be done on your part though. God and Fate may play a role in your life and its direction, but there are always things you can take more personal responsibility for and more action on, no matter what stage of your life and your development you’re at.
So take that responsibility, or be forever frustrated.
When you’re ready to stop settling for a dating life or a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, and to transform your Holistic Self into one that’s aligned with some great gals…
I’m here for ya.
You already have it in you. I’ll just make the process take months instead of years.
If you’re brave and cool like this guy…
– Ben
