Being a feminine woman isn’t as simple as putting on a pretty sundress and abstaining from casual sex.
Though some sad singles round these parts would rather avoid real vulnerability and be a caricature than do the deep external and internal work to become a wholly integrated individual.
This idealization of a woman’s Madonna archetype is a distaff counterpart to the idealization of the Lover archetype in men. Men who are in the “manosphere”, especially in the Trad corners of it, crave a Madonna amongst all the Whores. And those in the redpill/pickup space crave being a Lover amongst the Providers.
(I’ve written about the two types of attractive women here)
(And the two types of attractive men)
But as I’ve learnt the hard way plenty of times, getting grounded in your Lover archetype – embracing tension, chasing sexual conquest, and having a certain sexual edge to you – is not enough to get you anything more than bored girls seeking you as their own sexual conquest.
(hey guys, I’ve had SEX! Did you hear me, I’VE HAD SEX. WITH GIRLS. REAL GIRLS.)
Sadly, the sexually frustrated dogmatists among us demonize the Provider archetype, when really, WOMEN LOVE THESE MEN. Even if they’re tempted to cheat on them with a better Lover, many don’t.
Women have their own idealizations and devaluations. Those in the mainstream demonize the Madonna and glorify the Whore, thinking that not being able to remember the names of all the strange men you’ve had “let’s get this over with” sex with is empowering, while surrendering to a man and serving him on his mission is somehow “oppressive”.
The ladies in the “manosphere” polarize against this modern conditioning, yet are still playing the same game, only with inverted rules. (and some men here are just as unaware) Women who know their sexual power are dirty and evil, and women who keep themselves chaste and modest are virtuous and awesome and wife material and all that jazz.
These manosphere girls have good game. They know that the fit, ambitious men in this scene won’t be satisfied with a pure Whore. So they play up the Madonna image, create a persona of a God-loving Feminine Woman, post platitudes about love and romance and glorify their own chastity…
Instead of embracing the animal within.
Dissociated women in the mainstream and dissociated women in the counterculture have the same deep problem that makes them two halves of the same pile of garbage. Except one half of the garbage pile is full of discarded, ripped jeans and black tank tops, and the other half of it is full of worn-out sundresses and sunhats.
Most modern Western women, like their male counterparts, aren’t in touch with their Sex. Their understanding of themselves as women is entirely in the Head, and they only half-understand their Heart’s desires.
Meet women from overseas, from outside Western society, and they GET IT. They’re refreshing to be around. As Pat Stedman said in his article “The women you deserve”:
These women have something that the average anxious Western woman doesn’t:
Which gives way to radiance.
A radiant woman is a woman who opens herself to the flow of Life, and transforms this life force into Love.
If you’re a masculine man who’s honest with himself, then you want this radiance in a woman more than anything else. THIS is what draws you to her, makes you want to risk it all for her, makes you want to give her the fullest expression of your Masculinity. Her body’s proportions and her wifely capabilities are secondary to this warm, giving, inviting feminine energy.
I’ve written before about how your masculinity’s deep source is POSSESSION, and that FLOW STATES are how this possession shows itself.
Openness is the deep source of a woman’s femininity, and radiance is her womanhood’s purest tangible expression.
Due to modern Western men’s spiritual weakness, and thus, their inability to create these flow states at will, our women have lost their connection to their sex and ours. They’ve closed themselves up sexually, spiritually, and not always intellectually.
They have no Life to transform into Love. Weak men have taken it from them, and a Satanic agenda has filled the void. There are evil forces among us attempting to destroy everything that makes us Divine, starting with our God-given sexual nature.
Disappointingly, our current society has a wide market demand for this exact destruction of the Divine.
The average American woman today has been taught to expect everything from a man and give him nothing in return. She’s been taught, directly or not, that a man’s sexual instinct is rapey and discomforting, not loving and ravishing. That she should put off starting a family for her career, beyond her most fertile years. That she deserves a man who makes her feel safe and loved, who gives her everything… But she’s a bad, oppressed woman if she gives all of herself to him in return and relaxes into his direction.
She’s been programmed into thinking the only way she can get Love is by being weak and self-victimizing, and that her Divine Femininity invites her to be stomped on and oppressed, not that it’s a form of strength and power on par with the potency of Masculinity.
She’s dull. She’s a workhorse in her own way. She’s lost her lustre and can only put on cheap imitations of it.
She’d be a lot happier if she was judicious about who and what she opens herself to. Because THIS is the true source of a woman’s power:
Being open to love and to life.
And being able to discern who/what she can receive the most love and life from.
This doesn’t mean being naïve or ignorant about the world’s dangers, or giving herself away easily. A woman in her highest Feminine incarnation is a channel for Wisdom itself, and she can open or close herself at will. Just like a man in his highest Masculine incarnation is an instrument of God’s Truth, and he can enter and exit Flow at will.
Why open yourself to a man who’s weak? No woman who knows her worth wants to do this. Why open yourself to a man who can’t handle tension or setbacks or risks or even a couple hundred pounds in the gym?
This isn’t the only “guy problem” these gals have. They’re stuck between a rock and a hard place – between being with “safe”, comfortable, yet sexually unpolarizing men, and being with men who GET IT – but who have many options and no inclination to commit exclusively, or just who they’ve been programmed into seeing as discomforting and socially objectionable.
You may think otherwise, but the typical anxious, dissociated American woman doesn’t know her worth these days. She’s scared of being open, and losing her power over men for it. As if she ever had any.
Why open yourself to a man who’s strong, who leads, who’s decisive and dominant, IF YOU’RE NOT WOMAN ENOUGH FOR HIM? If he’ll just use you, discard you, and not make you feel wanted anymore once you show him your ugly side and disgust him with it? If bonding with him means risking losing the approval of all the social, societal systems that have told you who you are all your life, even though they never cared for you as anything more than a pawn.
Not all of your “girl problems” are because you’re not Masculine™ enough, gentlemen.
Like it or not, this is our reality. It’s a reality I feel cheated by. It’s a reality that offers plenty to complain about, Spiritually speaking.
So let’s not complain about it.
An extremely feminine girl’s openness and transformation of Life into Love refreshes us, invigorates us, and gives us the strength to fight another day. Her femininity inspires our masculinity to grow and expand and become a greater version of itself.
But she can only feel safe in this openness when we give her permission to have it. When we create the fortress that she turns into a home. When we’re possessed by a higher good than ourselves.
Why women love
A woman’s deepest desire in intimacy is to belong to a man. To be HIS, existentially.
She doesn’t crave this with any man who’ll give himself up to her though.
She wants a man who’s POSSESSED by his values, by his edge, by God… And by her. This possession is the deep source of the Masculine energy that’s intoxicating to women.
To us men, sex is something we DO. It’s an activity. While we get a huge chunk of our sense of self from it, yet can still compartmentalize it…
A woman gets her entire sense of self from sex. A man having sex feels like he’s conquering, penetrating a woman’s warm Sex, and if he’s really good in bed, her Mind and her Heart too.
To a woman, she IS SEX HERSELF. It’s surrender to her, not just a physical act.
In sex, a woman who surrenders feels like she’s bonding with her man, BECOMING ONE WITH HIM. Belonging to him even more deeply on a soul-level.
This is why a man who’s horny will at least consider sleeping with any woman who turns him on (his personal values will modulate how willing he is to act on this impulse), but you won’t find a healthy woman seeking one-night-stands unless she’s bored, lonely, feels invalidated, feels like doing it will make her belong more to her social environment, or some combination of these factors.
When a woman’s in a relationship, yet doesn’t feel her man’s strength or his unperturbable presence, his Shiva… She’ll have the impulse to cheat on him with a stronger, less fallible man who does make her feel seen, wanted, and desired. Some spiritually unsatisfied women will act on this impulse. Some won’t. Some will simply kiss or flirt with another man, but not let it progress to sex.
I have been targeted as a “branch swing” by my friends’ (and random guys’) girlfriends many times. Even though these guys have been more successful and socially connected than me, they have assumed that “getting the girl” means they can relax their game and become complacent. Then in comes me, a guy with presence, a guy differently built, a guy who knows how to lead women on a soul-level, and they have been all over me.
If you as a man want to lead a woman on a deep level, not only in fair weather, understand the responsibility from YOU that her surrender truly requires.
Or else if you work on on your body and your game, and not on your masculinity’s deep source…
You’ll only ever get transactional “sex” from women who close their energy centers up, who lay there and let you do what you want to them, but are waiting for it to be over the whole time your half-hard dick half-heartedly jackhammers them, or women who are expecting a fun time on purely their terms, only for you to cum in two strokes.
At best, the sex will be hot… but a performance. You’re both acting out a fantasy instead of fully opening your Sexes to each other.
You may get into a relationship, but this will be a high-comfort, low-polarity dynamic. This girl feels socially safe and provided for, like she’s “in”, and your personalities may connect deeply and holistically, but her Sex will remain unsatisfied.
Until you rediscover YOUR animal within.
Part of this involves shadow work, getting acquainted with the dark parts of you that seek destruction, violence, and raw dominance. Sharpening your claws, then sheathing them. Being a gentleman who understands his savage, animalistic side.
Most “good” women don’t fully understand their counterpart to this energy, their own dark side that seeks destruction and to inspire men to kill each other over them. And I don’t recommend you attempt to get a woman to become conscious of this side of her until she trusts you, until she knows she’s safe with you.
Until she knows you’re a man in spirit, not just bodily and socially.
Emotional tension and surrender
It’s almost a rite of passage for immature women to open themselves to an emotionally weak man when their own discernment is weak, then be deeply scarred for it when they realize they were claimed by an unworthy man.
These women close themselves up, often for good. They’re traumatized, believing that this openness was what made them weak, not their immaturity. Thus, they seek out even weaker men than themselves. High-status lapdogs. Men who’ll give them a higher social standing, but who behind the scenes, these women lead around on a leash.
Or they’ll keep the cycle going, dating attractive but emotionally unavailable men as a trauma-pattern, letting themselves be used and hurt, because they wrongfully believe that this is what love is and that they don’t deserve any better.
Yet some women decide to keep themselves open, to mature, to KEEP BEING FEMININE ON THE DEEPEST LEVEL.
These women aren’t afraid of emotional tension and alchemy, which is more than I can say for many men.
Even self-identified masculine men are afraid of emotional tension. They have an antagonistic relationship to femininity. They insult other men, calling them “feminine”, yet this is a double edged sword – they take FEMININITY IN WOMEN as an insult to their “infallible, logical, masculine” ego.
They claim to desire a submissive, feminine woman who cooks, cleans, wears pretty dresses, bears their children, and never nags or challenges them. This is an idealization, a fantasy. This is fear, not aspiration.
What about the rest of her? What about ALL of her?
When a woman challenges them, opens herself emotionally, shares her deepest frustrations, gives these men a storm, they don’t dance in the rain.
They attack her, call her “irrational”, argue with her. Attack her arguments instead of giving her their presence and loving direction. They tell her she’s wrong for feeling this way, and that she should think more logically and solve her own problems.
It’s either that or being a weak Beta male who falls into her frame and emotes with her, right?
Guys, she’s not looking for an argument. She’s not looking for you to debate her and prove her wrong.
She’s looking for your masculinity.
If you get pissy, that’s her cue to trust you and your direction less and less. You’re not a man to her anymore.
Only a woman who loves you will show you this side of herself.
It’s in these intimate rough patches where she gives you the opportunity to prove to her how much of a man you are – beyond the size of your bank account, your social life, and your muscles and other various body parts.
Most men fail these tests.
See, it’s easy to feel like you’re in control, like you’re the leader in the dynamic when your only responsibilities are to look good, make some money, and joke around a bit to get the girl out of her head.
Then when the time comes to lead yourself and her through something DIFFICULT, and take responsibility for something deeper, these men get drained. The woman pulls the frame away, and rather than embrace her, these men fight her. Then she goes off seeking validation from telling her victim-stories on message boards.
You need to realize why there’s such a market-demand for victim-culture these days, especially among women. These women weren’t forced into it. They chose it.
Victimhood makes closed-off women and closing-off women feel seen and desired and like they belong to SOMETHING. These cultures meet their emotional needs when the men in their lives have proven they couldn’t.
So can you save a self-victimizing woman who’s closed off, and help her rediscover her openness, her radiance, her femininity?
Yes, you can. But proceed with caution.
Some self-victimizing women don’t want to be saved, ever. They’re too far gone to ever surrender to a man. They get their entire sense of self from being a victim, and have chosen not to be made from any formative experiences besides their traumas. The best thing you can do for them is fuck off away from them and leave them to make their own choices.
However, every woman’s got trauma and some degree of self-victimization. Many deeply desire to be healed, and to mold themselves against a healthy, integrated man’s Masculinity. Consciously or not, they seek this man out, and open their rough edges to him when they feel the time is right. When this happens…
Let her get triggered. Don’t try to “fix her” like she’s a broken timer on a stove that’s randomly beeping all the fucking time. Be present. Show her some love. Treat her more like a flower that needs to be watered with appreciation and desire. She needs to be nourished, not fixed. She’s begging for your life force and your presence, not for your oratory debate skills.
Give her this, and watch as she blooms for you.
The more you show up as a man who can keep his integrity, his fullness, his freedom, and his sense of possession by what he deeply desires no matter the pressure that’s put on him…
The more open and radiant your woman will get.
Men’s emotional integration
So how do you become this possessed man?
A lot of men will hate to hear this, but
You need to learn to alchemize Feminine energy into Masculine energy.
This means exploring YOUR OWN capacity for openness. Opening YOURSELF to the flow of Love and Life.
A man moves from an Immature Masculinity to a Mature Masculinity as he opens himself to Feminine energy, and vice versa for women.
Here’s what REALLY happens when an unintegrated, immature masculine guy’s spirit gets tested by a woman, and it breaks:
Her emotional “weakness” is reminding YOU of YOUR WEAKNESS.
So of fucking course you don’t want to see it! And of fucking course you’d rather she bottle her bad little feelings up and keep them to herself! You’re a coward who’s afraid of people’s feelings, and your own!
Immature masculine men are scared of their own capacity to feel. To the extent they want to feel anything, it’s either anger or lust or dominance. And most of them don’t even realize it’s a problem. To them, being a man means avoiding or compartmentalizing their own emotions, not conquering them.
These men often GET IT when it comes to conquering the rest of their life. They’re beasts in the gym, working hard on their life endeavors. making money, making friends.
Then their woman cries in front of them and they can’t handle it.
They become more pissy and unhinged than she’s being. Or they shut themselves down and avoid her, instead of showing her their masculinity’s deep source.
I’ve been there. And I wish I wasn’t such a coward about it, but that’s how I know what not to do in intimacy.
Being a man to your core demands you conquer the Spirit as well. Conquering physical and intellectual space isn’t enough. You’re not your highest self until you learn to also conquer emotional space, and put it into order through Love.
This will be rough at first. You’ll be facing painful truths about yourself and ripping off a ton of bandages, along with setting a ton of bones. You’ll be realizing in what ways you haven’t been showing up as a man, or as yourself. Your ego will get hurt. A lot. This is no different than the awkward, painful early stages of getting into fitness, or starting a business, or getting good at a sport or a skill.
You will fall over, make mistakes, and hurt yourself. And if you’re doing really well, you’ll hurt someone else too.
This is you building up your capacity to hold emotional tension, and to allow your woman to feel safe in her radiance around you.
You’re not doing this so you can become an immature woman’s Savior, who holds her hand as she bumbles through all her dramas and neuroses.
The more you build up your capacity to hold emotional tension, the less weak, immature women will appeal to you, even if they’re young, hot, and fuckable. You’ll find yourself more drawn to women who are developing their own capacity for possession and flow – Masculine integration leading to a Mature Femininity.
This doesn’t mean depolarizing yourself, as plenty of moderns wrongfully assume. Depolarized men get into their feelings, and lose their instinct for conquest. Depolarized women are closed-off workhorses who see their own Sex as purely physical.
Your inner Masculine and Feminine must dance together, not be at war. Only then can your highest Masculine and a woman’s highest Feminine dance together, and become one. You both must conquer the physical, intellectual, and spiritual space around yourselves, AND open yourselves to the flow of life and love.
Or you can stay immature and get butthurt whenever your woman acts like a human instead of like a perfect submissive sex kitten, and miss out on the fullest expression of her radiance for it.
It’s your choice.
Her femininity’s deep source is YOU. Only when you’re showing up as a man possessed by your deepest values and desires in every part of your life, including HER, does she feel safe to open herself to your leadership and to your life force. Can she be radiant and warm and joyful. Can she inspire your masculinity to be its fullest incarnation too.
You’re sick of being around dull, depolarized, unfeminine, anxious women, are you?
Doing better in the dating world means taking a lot more fucking responsibility for yourself, on a deeper, more holistic level than you may think.
When you’re ready to get on the fast-track to discovering your fullest masculinity, your fullest capacity for possession, conquest, openness, and radiance…
And get the best women for you…
Here’s what one of my past clients has to say about me, by the way:
Ben gets to the root of dating issues. Think on this for a second. We’re biologically wired to seek out “mates” based on how well they fit some physical and emotional criteria. If you’re having issues getting girls, you’re not meeting those standards. The “red pill” crowd will tell you about all the things you’re saying wrong, and there’s a place for that kind of work, but the bottom line is that you have deeper issues you need to address.
Let’s flip things around. A beautiful, fit, and feminine girl shows interest in you. Does she need to do anything special to get you into bed other than make her interest known? Neg you? Use some special frame? “Deep dive” into your interests and passions? Of course not. It’s her you’re attracted to, not some series of actions and words she’s using to woo you. The key to leveling up your dating life is leveling up yourself.
Here’s the “bad” news: what Ben offers isn’t exactly a handful of cheap tricks that will instantly change your dating life with no effort required on your part. If you’ve been listening, you’ve probably already realized that the answers you’re looking for aren’t at the surface and they aren’t subtle behavioral shifts. The difference between you and the masters isn’t the little things; it’s the big things. Ben gets that and he’ll help you examine your holistic self and figure out what actions you can take to become the person that gets the results that you’re looking for.
The beautiful thing about this is a) it works and b) its benefits extend past dating. Ben sees all of this for what it truly is and I highly recommend that if you’ve read his work and his words resonate with you that you give his services a try.