If there’s one big lesson I’ve learnt in 2022, it’s that I’ve needed to take a lot more damn responsibility for myself and my life than I used to think.
Not in the “getting my shit together” sort of way – getting fit, on my purpose, and putting effort into productive, healthy things. I did that a decade ago, have been committed to it ever since, and all this self-improvement stuff is child’s play to me at this point.
For most of this year, the real lessons I’ve needed to learn have eluded me, been imperceptible to me. They’ve waited for me to JUST GET IT. They’ve been lessons in mindset, in perception, in consciousness, in responsibility for creating my reality, not simply working hard and taking action in it.
I was grieving something that wasn’t even mine.
I was living my life based on the fear of “missing my window”, not out of abundance.
So God needed to humble me, and very likely save me from many undesirable outcomes. If I’d gotten what I “wanted”, if I could even get it, I’d be in a worse place at the moment.
I’m past emotionally vomiting about anything. Let’s just say some traumatic shit happened to me and because of me. My life fell apart. I grieved what life “could have been” if only I’d done X, Y, Z, and possibly A-W differently. Constantly wishing I could go to sleep and wake up in the middle of 2016 again.
This grief over who I’d used to be was a prime motivator for me in 2019-2022, and little did I know, this energy field could only attract more of its own. Every decision I made feeling this way only gave me more reasons to feel grieving, lacking, like my life ended when I was 20.
Getting drunk by myself or at the bars, just to try feeling like it’s the “abundant” old days again for a night.
Going through the motions of my “fun party guy” persona with people I didn’t give a veritable shit about, rather than cultivating friendships based on honesty, vulnerability, and unconditional self-expression.
Projecting my buried desire to be saved from my grief by someone special… Onto girls who really didn’t deserve it, and onto toxic people who made my life a bit less fun.
I’ll give you a Sparknotes version of every lesson I’ve had to internalize this year, or stay miserable, grieving, waiting for my life to begin again “someday”:
- It’s a million times more pleasant to watch someone cluelessly suffer than to attempt to give them advice
- Well-being should come BEFORE meaningful action-taking, not be expected as a result of it
- The more I attempt to consciously understand life, the less wisdom I’ll actually get
- Every “loss” I take is actually a long-term win. I’m avoiding less preferable realities, and shedding things I’ll actually have a hard time missing
- My past and future don’t exist. If I become attached to either of them, I’ll be out of Flow, out of the moment
- Working or taking action in an attempt to GET SOMETHING outside myself is futile, it only reinforces lack
- Don’t drink an entire bottle of tequila in one go, holy shit
- Resisting a certain reality only gives it energy and manifests it into my life
- No matter what plans I make for my future, they’ll fall apart. There are infinite variables here, and I can’t control for them all. All I can do is take the next step that gives me the most energy, and let Fate create my future
- Feelings create events, not so much vice-versa
- I need to trust Infinity to provide exactly what’s right for me exactly when it’s right for me, not believe in lack or in missed windows
- No sign, no piece of advice outside myself will ever tell me which way to go. I need to simply make the decision that gets me feeling the most energy, holding the most tension, every second of my life
This is just stream-of-consciousness, I guess. I didn’t start writing this article with a plan or a thesis. I’m just making it up as I go.
These days, what have I been doing?
Just holding up, honestly.
Keeping myself healthy and in shape, not counting all my nights of binge-drinking.
Moving my social life forward. Befriending people and making connections at the gym.
Working on personal projects because I’m a workaholic but also a shite marketer, and so I’d rather invest my time and effort into meaningful things (even if no one sees them just yet) than market a super effective dating coaching thing no one cares about, except the clients I’ve given quick, life-changing results to.
I deleted all social media off my phone yesterday, because compulsively scrolling and watching people who don’t give a shit about me live their lives between cat videos really doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m also quitting Twitter, with no big announcement or anything. I’m only on there for like, 3 or 4 people at this point. Every other part of it has worn on me. There’s no learning or growth in the cards for me on Twitter.
I traveled last month. Went to France for a bit, then California for another bit. First time in both those places for me, and I was homesick for Boulder most of that time.
I’ve also been letting go of fantasies and idealizations. Understanding that if it’s for me, I’ll get it and I already have it. If it’s not for me, I’ve lost it or I’ve never even had it. I don’t invest my emotions into anything “out there” anymore. Not expecting a future perfect romance with some perfect girl to curb my lonely and mentally unstimulated moments. Not thinking there’s something wrong with me because I’m not a professional success, nor because my life didn’t go X way.
If I stay single and I never touch another titty for the rest of my life, I’m okay with it. If I spend the next 100-200 years till my death never meeting a girl I have a legitimate biological/psychological/spiritual connection with, I’m okay with it.
If I never become financially independent ever, I’m okay with it.
If I never kickstart another abundant social life, I’m okay with it.
If I age 10 years in a few months because of my alcohol/caffeine/tobacco consumption, I’m okay with it.
If something pisses me off, reminds me of what I “lack”, or attempts to make me feel less than, I’m okay with it.
I surrender.
I give up.
I no longer believe in “lack”.
I have my health, good food, an apartment I like, things to do, nice clothes to wear, places to hang out at…
What the fuck am I lacking?
NOTHING.
Wishing things were different is extremely disrespectful to myself, and assumes the ways my life differs from other people’s isn’t acceptable.
Am I not ENOUGH AS I AM?
I’m enough as I am. I’m perfect as I am.
Even if this isn’t my final form.
I can barely consciously register the fact that I have a past anymore. I just exist right now, and that’s that.
I don’t care for giving people “advice” anymore, whether they’re internet strangers or people I know in the IRL. This has been a nasty addiction of mine and I’m happy to have kicked it. The need to give someone “advice” assumes they need to be fixed, not to be allowed to live life as they want to, however painful this life may be.
I can’t tell anyone, not even myself, how to live life. Life spontaneously unfolds as it is. Sometimes it’s pleasant, and sometimes it’s painful.
And you can’t force it to be.
It just is.
I don’t have any power over nor emotional investment in any celebrity, politician, current event, or other person’s behavior. The “enemy” isn’t anything outside myself, but only my sense of lack, my neediness.
I can’t undo the decisions and fates that have led me to be exactly here, but I can decide to stop assigning meaning to my past, and to treat it like it’s never fucking happened. It’s a memory at best. It has as much power over me as the last movie or Netflix series I watched.
And I’d rather not ego-invest in my future, not think at all about the days when I’ll have the money, the career, and the girl(s). Because this would assume my present isn’t perfect for me AS IT IS.
Everything I’ve gone over in this article so far is me rediscovering my personal power, my agency over creating my reality.
Now, what else is on my mind?
I exchanged subtle smiles with a pretty blonde girl on the bus today. She looked like a positive gal, and I savored the unspoken vibe between us. That made my day. She probably thought I was gorgeous. I didn’t feel like she was for me, but she’ll make someone really happy someday, if she isn’t already.
I’ve been spending time in the sauna and steam room after my workouts these days. Good place to shoot the shit and relax with fellow gym people. I hope it’s doing good things to my skin, since I’m insecure about aging. I want to look 25 when I’m 40.
There’s a sub shop near my place that I’m basically addicted to these days. Those are some of the best subs I’ve ever had. I like the cheesesteaks especially. I’m thinking I’ll get one after my leg/ab day tomorrow.
My current edge is Faith. Love. Surrender. Focus. Leaning into THE VOID. Leaning into myself. It’s as challenging as the times I’ve had to fortify my body, mind, skills, and soul, and it means I have to experience events and circumstances where it’s CHALLENGING to have Faith, Love, and Surrender. Times when it’s CHALLENGING to let go, relax, give up, and open up. Just like you can’t have a strong body without challenging workouts, you can’t have a capable mind without challenging mental tasks, and you can’t have a good skillset without practice.
Life gets better every day. The more I give up, the more I get.
You may or may not have found value in this spontaneous rant of mine, dear reader.
I felt like sharing what’s on my mind, and where I’m at.
I’m 25 now, and it’s time I live the life of my dreams instead of feeling like I have to create it or somehow earn it. I can live my dream life right this second, and all it takes is surrendering my fake-dream life so I can lean into the abundance that’s already within my reach.
– Ben
