I can’t say I’ve lived a very special life, nor a super exceptional one. I’m just living a life of constant growth and expansion. A life where I choose to have integrity, courage, and love in all domains. Understanding that I don’t get to decide WHAT exactly happens to me, nor WHEN it happens, but I can always understand WHY and HOW I get what I get out of life.
But like all of us, I’ve been immature. There have been moments and seasons of my life where I’ve lacked integrity. I’ve been ignorant and selfish, and that’s okay. It’s part of living. I haven’t always known what I know now.
I wouldn’t tell my past self any of this. He was smart enough to at least logically figure it out. Really embodying these lessons took longer, but as of last year, I got it. I got over my grief, made more progress identifying and taking full responsibility for my emotional needs in August-December of 2022 than I had in my entire adulthood thus far, and I can confidently say I’m living a near-fully surrendered life now.
I’ve still got a bit left to go, but I have complete faith in the process. If I don’t “measure up” in something right now, maybe I will tomorrow. Who knows?
Now where are you at?
You wouldn’t be able to perceive this article if you weren’t already on the path of personal growth, responsibility, and self-mastery. So I’m fairly sure you’ll find some value in it.
If victim-mindsets, anxiety, and irresponsibility aren’t your thing, this article is for you.
Here are some mindsets I’ve cultivated that I feel separate a mature adult from an immature person pretending to be an adult.
Your past has no power over your present
People like to think their past’s fucked them up. Now it’s their mission to take back the power in their life, and get revenge on the past.
You weren’t cool in high school, so now it’s your mission to make as many friends as you can, be the most lively (and intoxicated) party boy in the room, make everyone who ever doubted your social value regret it.
You never had a girlfriend, or never kept a girl interested in you for more than a couple dates, now it’s time to play around. Be the hot, sexy guy who sexes, not the deselected virgin you used to be, watching everyone around you get laid but you.
The massive amount of trauma you’re carrying ensures you’ll never be “normal”. Never “fit in”. Never be able to truly connect with someone who hasn’t also “been through it”.
Your parents failed to raise you right, so now you’re picking up the pieces and teaching yourself everything they didn’t about health and fitness, relationships, and your life purpose. If only you knew then what you know now!
Those are just my stories, some of the ones I DON’T keep to myself. Maybe you can relate, or maybe not. But you’ve certainly experienced some things that you’ve later blamed your shortcomings on – abuse, loss, isolation, addiction, grand fuckups, regrets. I’ve been through it all too, and I’m far from the only person who can say that. You’re not alone in the slightest.
Here’s the truth about those stories I used to tell myself:
I WAS cool in high school. I would stand for what I believed in, have integrity and the drive to improve, have fun on my own terms instead of trying to fit into the mainstream, and no one was judging me for not being “good enough”, unless they were insecure and playing power games. Everyone was worried about their own insecurities and life paths. They didn’t give a shit about my problems.
I didn’t miss out on having a high school sweetheart, or an adolescent sex life. I missed out on dating and sexing immature girls who were misaligned with my life path.
And as a guy who’s been there and done that with his past edge of dating, approaching, and hooking up with a bunch of random girls, the real value of that journey was realizing how special these girls really AREN’T, how special and fulfilled sexing a hot girl actually DOESN’T make you, how much control you actually DON’T have over which girls you end up with, and that while I can appreciate a girl’s presence in my life and feel I’m better off for having her, my own happiness is MY responsibility, and not something I can outsource to her. It took me till 2022 to fully internalize this.
EVERYONE has “been through it”. I couldn’t read minds and know someone’s entire story at first meeting. As much as I used to feel unseen, how many people have I not fully seen, and judged solely by their persona, solely by the superficial things they’d put up? No one goes through life without damage, and some of us are simply more responsible for our damage than others. In hindsight, EVERYONE I’ve met has been hurt by someone and struggling with something. C’est la vie.
My parents are good people with their own blind spots, just like myself. Just like anyone I’ve loved. I didn’t come with an instruction manual when I was born, and of course we’ve made mistakes with each other. I’m an adult now, and my parents have no obligation to raise me anymore. I’ve done the right thing appreciating all they’ve given me + being responsible for what they didn’t.
It never fucking mattered what “fucked me up” – abusive relationships, losses, disadvantages, petty issues, rejections, addictions, past mistakes or missed windows. What was REALLY “fucking me up” was my victim-mindsets, my resistance to WHO I AM, and my inability to let go of a bullshit story that wasn’t actually serving me. I was REALLY being held back by a lack of responsibility for my own needs, not by any adverse thing I’ve experienced, and never by another mortal human.
The only reason someone else’s actions, words, or life-decisions could ever hurt me was because of something about ME that resonated with it, because of a need of mine I was unconsciously making them responsible for. I was never hurt by a girl rejecting me, only by giving her a part of me that she could never be responsible for. I was never hurt by a job rejecting me, only by my lack of responsibility in forging my own path professionally.
Even some of the worst things I’ve experienced, some of the worst treatment I’ve ever received from fellow “people”, they got me hurt or annoyed or angry or insecure in the moment, but in hindsight, they’re only examples of how interesting and diverse this world can be. They’re reminders of how well I’m doing now compared to before, how much pressure I can take and keep my integrity through, and how great the things I’m attracting now are compared to the reality I’d create when I was taking less responsibility for it.
Truth is, everyone who’s ever hurt me or loved me was only reflecting the pain or joy I was already allowing myself to have.
People aren’t special
Pride is the highest-energy sin of them all. It takes a miniscule lack of integrity to embody it and take it seriously, compared to every other weak way of being. Pride feels like a high compared to anger, lust, fear, grief, shame, and guilt. So people mistake it for a virtue, more often than not, and don’t realize how weak and needy it truly makes them.
They don’t realize how much energy and vitality is really being drained from them when they have to be special, playing the mental game of “I’m better than you because…”
I have better looks and status, a better job, a better group of friends, a better partner, better wisdom and knowledge than you because…
Pride, trying to be special, or to have the most special people in your life, is really a narcissistic, endless zero-sum game that no one ever wins. You get your fix of pride outclassing someone, then what goes around comes around, you get humbled by someone outclassing you, and you refuse to admit it. You’d rather play it cool and stoic than “lose your power” lifting someone else up (when in reality, empowering someone else empowers you too!)
Now, I’ll admit there’s a ton of people in my past I can say have changed my life, who have been “special” to me. I’ve been fucked over, hurt, and heartbroken by some of them. I’ve been enlivened, loved, and heartwarmed by others. And I have nothing but gratitude for those who showed me I could be someone better than I used to be.
Yet the people who loved me, hated me, and were indifferent to me all have something big in common:
They aren’t in my life anymore. They don’t affect me anymore.
Sure, I occasionally reminisce on memories of them, but I have full agency over creating my reality in the present and deciding who I want to be and how I want to live. I simply rationalize these past encounters with these people as causing something in my present, when really, I only think about some of them because I briefly assume I can’t attract someone better for me in the present.
I used to think they were special – the most interesting guys, the most beautiful girls, The people who were better for me than anyone. I assigned way too much meaning to certain people who just happened to be temporarily aligned with me, and didn’t possess any traits that millions of other people couldn’t have, even if we enriched each other’s lives.
I’m not special either.
Every shitty feeling, and every high feeling I’ve ever experienced is something everyone around me has felt at some point.
Every talent and skill and virtue I have, there are millions of people worse at it than me, and millions of people better at it than me. Everything I could possibly succeed in or fail in, there are millions of people I’m in the same boat with. Even if I was top 1% in something, there would be 70 million people in this world on my level.
This is liberating.
I had a lot of pride when I was younger. I was under a ton of self-imposed pressure to be the smartest, most competent, most masculine guy in the room, even as an adult. A victim-story I used to tell myself was “if I can’t be the most accepted guy in the room, I can be the best”. This fire only burnt brightly if it was burning something down. Often my self-respect or my love for others.
Because I assumed I was wiser than other people, and knew more about how they should live than they did, being a self-improvement Twitter guru, I attracted toxic friends who reinforced that exact reality, who were indeed much less responsible people than me, who I attempted to save, but who never took my advice, just took my energy without giving any in return.
Now if I don’t agree with how someone chooses to live, I don’t attempt to fix them or save them, nor even wish I could. I choose to love them by allowing them to make their own choices, and to experience their own life path without my intervention or my “advice”. Even if they make stupid-ass decisions, I let those stupid-ass decisions be their own. Whether they’re a friend, family member, acquaintance, stranger, or enemy. Anything else would be an exercise in futility, and only cause me pain.
I am the only person whose thoughts, feelings, and behaviors I have power over.
Even the people I help, who do find value in my advice and perspective, they have their courage and moxie with or without me. They’re freely choosing to consider my perspective on things, and I’m doing nothing to force it on them.
And anyone who’s ever treated me poorly, I don’t mean to invalidate the hurt I felt nor excuse their dumbassery, but there was nothing I could have done to make them act differently. Oftentimes, we unconsciously take responsibility for other people’s Karma. We feel like if only we didn’t do that bad thing, our dad wouldn’t have gotten mad at us. If only we were “cooler”, then the other kids at school would have let us join in on their games. If only we were someone else, then we could have been good enough and had it all.
Truth is, you were always enough as you are.
Your dad got mad at you for a stupid reason because he was looking for a stupid reason to be mad. But your vulnerable, childlike self took it as “something about ME is wrong”, and internalized someone else’s Karma as your own.
Those kids at school who excluded you and said all those mean things to you were hateful, shitty people. They weren’t employed by your school to be the stewards of fun and acceptance. Yet every time you wished you could have their approval, you took their Karma as your own. You took their hate and self-shame and fear of exclusion, and made it your own. They were feeling it too, bro! They just did a really good job hiding it from your inexperienced, undeveloped brain. They made their choice to reject you, then you made your choice to reject yourself, instead of thinking “they have no power over me, and I have no power over them”.
No mortal human has ever “made you” miss anything about life, or gain anything in life. You have only chosen to either reject or accept the infinite flow of abundance and love constantly making waves around you.
You haven’t missed a thing
“Missing my window” has been a formerly life-defining fear of mine. Especially with my former victim-mindset of thinking I’d missed my shot at a high-quality youthful relationship with a high-quality girl.
I used to angst about how my life could have been if I’d gotten in shape and healthy earlier, known what I know now about supplementation and sexual energy earlier.
Even right now, I have a lot of professional insecurities. No fucking clue how I’ll ever get on a good career path, now that my coaching thing has been an unmarketable failure.
But what have I really missed?
Not a thing. I’ve only ever had “regrets” because I haven’t treated my present like it’s ALREADY good enough. I’ve only had “regrets” when I didn’t believe in the abundant Flow of Life, knowing that if something or someone’s not for me, then getting them will feel difficult or impossible. If something or someone is for me, they will be mine before our story even plays out.
Who knows when I’ll meet a girl I’m biologically/psychologically/spiritually compatible with, and deeply bond with her? I could meet her tomorrow, in 10 days, 10 months, or in 10 years. This isn’t in my control.
Who knows when I’ll kickstart another abundant social life, and have my calendar full of cool events with cool people? I sure don’t. Too many variables here, and they’re barely in my control.
Who knows when I’ll stumble upon a career path that’s perfect for my skillset, with plenty of professional growth in the cards for me? I could figure it all out tomorrow, or not “make it” till I’m 40. NOT IN MY CONTROL.
Honestly, the only thing stopping me from receiving these things I “lack” is my own resistance to them.
What if I’m better off for “lacking” them? What if there’s more growth ahead of me on this path than on the alternative – getting everything I “want” NOW?
In hindsight, the jobs and careers I used to hate being rejected by would have trapped me as much as they’d have paid me.
If I had gotten the girl of my dreams in my early young adulthood, would I have been trapped by her? Would I have lost my freedom and sovereignty to her? Would I never have gone down the path of 4D self-development because I valued her more highly than she was really worth? Would I have been trapped in a turbulent relationship through my 20s and beyond, only to divorce her down the line and end up a mess of a man for it, a man who’d wasted his youthful years on a woman who didn’t deserve them, missing out on girls aligned with my highest self for it?
I don’t know for sure, but these are good questions to consider.
The employers and girls I used to idealize have no more access to life’s infinite flow of abundance and love than I do. And of course, I have no control over what they think and feel about me. All I can do is be responsible for how open I am to life’s infinite gifts, and choose the ones that speak most strongly to me.
Take credit for nothing
I can name so many blessings in my life I’ve done absolutely NOTHING to “earn” or “work for”:
- Books
- Nature
- Adventures
- Items and devices
- Family and friends
- Food, drink, supplements
- Health, shelter, and security
- Outdoor cats I’ve befriended
- Movies, shows, music, video games
- Etcetera
I didn’t effortfully create any of these things. I simply corresponded to them, and let them naturally flow into my life.
“You know, I WORKED for everything I have. I EARNT it, unlike those spoiled people who got it all handed to them…”
This is pure egotism talking.
The body you fed well and trained well was given to you by God.
The people who find value in your skillset, and make it possible for you to earn a living, were sent your way by God.
Every friend and loved one of yours entered your life by Fate alone. You didn’t have to work to earn their presence nor build them from raw material.
Most physical objects around you, you didn’t build any of them. And the ones you built, you didn’t create their material.
I’m not saying work or personal will isn’t a VARIABLE in you having achieved all these things. Of course you put work into training, sharpening your skillset, and facing your fears in the social/dating worlds. Maybe you’ve built a house or you work with your hands on the weekdays. Of course you’ve made your personal decisions about what to do day-by-day. Work ethic is a virtue. The drive to improve is a virtue. The positive decisions you make to improve your life are something you chose, not something that was forced upon you.
I’m saying – ask yourself what’s ALLOWING you to experience all these things.
On a practical level, it’s OTHER PEOPLE. People who’ve made decisions you had no say in. People who’ve worked, relaxed, vibed, thought, felt, surrendered. People you’ll largely never meet and never know. They created everything you have. You didn’t. Though this is only the superficial way to look at it.
On a deeper, big-picture level, a higher power created it all. You can consider it God, Fate, The Universe, The Fields of Energy you swim in every day. And you simply attracted it, corresponded to it, as a PIECE, a component of this power.
As I’ve learnt the hard way through years of egotism, narcissism, lust, and pride:
I’m powerless.
Every haughtiness-inducing thing I consider “mine”, or that I consider making me superior to another person, I can lose it all in an instant, and gain it all in an instant.
Real power comes from giving up control, not from seeking it.
I, a mortal individual, have only been “powerless” in my dating life because I assigned too much meaning to fellow mortal girls with more unresolved emotional bullshit and less integrity than I had at the time. I was powerless because I decided to control them, and make them responsible for my well-being. I’ve had the same problem in other domains due to the same principle.
In reality, the only thing I need to do for my well-being is, well, being.
Even when I have won the power-games, in my social life and dating life especially, the games themselves faded from my life as soon as I won them. New edges and new problems entered the picture. And for every time I’ve deliberately made someone feel less than, it came around and life sent a similar humbling to me.
Every blessing, every good thing I’ve ever experienced, is not something I’ve forcibly taken from the world through effort, struggle, or exchange. Every success I’ve experienced has come from me asking myself what I can do to benefit the whole of humanity with my skillset, and every failure has come from me asking “what’s in it for me?”
Gain and victory to others, loss and defeat to myself.
If you want to know what I can do for you in coaching…
Allons-y,
– Ben
