A ton of people get into self-improvement for a valid reason:
They don’t like themselves and their life very much, and they know something’s gotta change. They want to make their life better, and are willing to take action to make their dreams real. I’ve been there, and it’s been a worthy edge of mine.
Maybe their dream is to be in exceptional shape, start a life-changing business, or be the guy or gal no sexy, interesting potential mate can say ‘no’ to.
Self-improvement is a foundational element of leading a good, rewarding, meaningful life. I’m all for personal responsibility and growth.
It’s great that there’s a big online scene of people trying to be better, and that there’s a bunch of normies and real-life tribes swearing by self-improvement, but frequently, we idealize what it can do for us.
Self-improvement doesn’t teach you how to address the parts of your life that are SUPPOSED TO SUCK, supposed to feel lacking, supposed to feel “bleh” or “meh” or Andrew Tate forbid… Average.
Our probable outcomes in life are constrained by a potentially sobering subject:
Genetics.
The older I get, the more experiences I have, and the more people I meet, the more I realize that our lives are genetically pre-determined, and there’s few things we can do to shift ourselves onto a new path.
None of the training I did as a teenager made me a great athlete. I have average muscle-building genetics. I have average genetics for sports. I can hold my own in a beach volleyball game or during a sparring sesh, but my adolescent dream of becoming a great competitive athlete got crushed constantly during those years, no matter how much I’d show up or how hard I’d work. I’m neither a hardgainer nor a genetic freak.
All the biohacking and supplement experimentation I did in my early 20s hasn’t significantly shifted my physical ability, my cognitive ability, or my overall health. I’ve never found a single food or supplement that’s totally 180ed my well-being, except vitamin D.
I wouldn’t say there’s anything I’m “great” at. I’m an extremely intelligent guy, top 1% IQ. But that’s the only “extreme” thing about me. My body’s size is below average. My physical attractiveness is above-average, but not exceptional (and I had to work for it! I used to be ugly!) I’m more disagreeable and more neurotic and more conscientious than the average person, but about average in terms of openness and extraversion.
I could tell you infinite things about me that are average, a hell of a lot that are above average, and some that I just don’t measure up in, and never will.
You’re the same way.
It might be disappointing to know you’ll never grow taller, never be an NFL player, never write the great American novel, work a normie job for the rest of your life instead of starting your own business and getting paid handsomely for it, never be a model-pretty woman (this one’s been a huge bummer for me), never be able to turn your flaws and your trials into your unique selling point…
If you were genetically predestined for any of these things, you would already know it. The world would already be responding to you as such.
And if you’re not already an exceptional person…
What’s wrong with that?
What’s wrong with being average?
The vast majority of us are of average physical attractiveness, average intelligence, average athleticism, height, talent, everything. Maybe we’re above average in many ways, possibly exceptional at one or two things, and below-average in a few more domains.
The same limits you had in high school, you’ll have in your 20s, your 30s, and beyond.
There is no Limitless pill for overcoming your genetics. No nootropic out there will give you a genius IQ. No workout program will give you a pro athlete body. I believe some of us are destined for the 9-5 and no business idea of ours will ever pan out, while some of us are destined for the exact opposite. Some of us will always be weird wildcards even if we attempt to get into the norm. Some of us will always be unpolarizing, relatively “normie” people who always fit into a crowd.
So if that’s true, then why try? Why self-improve? Why take risks, if your genetics will always limit who you can be?
I’ll tell you why.
The value of being average
Average people are the unsung heroes of our society. They do more for us than Andrew Tate, Kanye West, or Elon Musk ever have.
They’re the teachers we had in school who’ve been our role models when our parents weren’t. They’re the buddies we get together with just to do random useless shit. They’re the hard workers who build and maintain the mundane industries and services we depend on for our food, housing, clothing, socializing, and many more things.
For every celebrity or politician or pro athlete or entrepreneur or successful musician making a difference in the tabloids and the news and the YouTube, there’s hundreds of thousands of average, unremarkable people making their own difference in ways that’ll never look glamorous on social media.
You have your morning coffee thanks to average people. The plumbing and electricity in your house work right thanks to average people. Maybe some random cat on the street today got saved from hunger and death by an average person. God bless average people.
It’s easy to feel like you’re not good enough, or like the world’s going to shit whenever you open social media. You get bombarded by the far ends of life’s bell curves. On the left – Life’s most tragic events, and the world’s most hopeless and stupid and evil people. On the right – High schoolers repping 420lb deadlifts. Entrepreneurs who make 69 figures a month educating you about what they love. Happy, successful couples. Glamorous girls you’ll never have a shot at seducing. Hilarious skits by hilarious people. Young people who appear to be popular and in demand for no reason besides having “clout”, whatever the fuck that means…
But what’s the last cool thing YOU did that never got a thousand likes?
I’m currently the strongest I’ve ever been in the gym, but I almost never record my PRs.
I went to France and LA in November and those were fun, exciting trips, but social media didn’t hear a peep about it.
I have multiple 100-200+ page in-progress novels that haven’t seen the mass-market… Yet 😉
I have tons of stories about passions, hobbies, girls, trials, and adventures that I never share on social media, nor face-to-face… Until the time is right.
What about you?
You may not be glamorous like the social media stars, but I guarantee you’re INTERESTING for some reason, wherever on the bell curve every little trait of yours resides.
Andrew Tate, for example, is interesting for his exceptional genetics, life-decisions, and storytelling ability. He’s an extremely marketable guy because scientifically speaking, he’s extreme. On the far-right of the bell curve in many ways. What guy WOULDN’T enjoy a life of athletic success, high business acumen, effortless sexual abundance, and interesting, challenging trials and edges in youth? Both the envious and the aspirational are heavily triggered by Andrew Tate.
Now on the far-left of the “how much I’d love to be this guy” bell curve, we’ve got the drunk homeless guy on Main Street spouting word salad, every guy who self-identifies as an “incel”, the fat ugly security guard at the museum who bitched at me to pull my mask over my nose back in 2021, every guy who’s ever gotten his dick cut off, pedophiles, and Justin Bieber.
These people may be horrible and disgusting, or just living non-preferable realities, but this actually makes them INTERESTING.
Ask any man what he thinks of pedophiles, and he’ll launch into a passionate rant about all the violent things he’d enjoy doing to a child abuser.
Back in 2020 when I was deep in the testosterone-optimization rabbit hole, I did a ton of research on castration. Its hormonal effects. The history of men getting their manhood chopped off. TV shows and movies where this happens. I was entranced by both the extreme positive and extreme negative realities to do with biological manhood.
Even the drunk homeless guy. What’s his story? Was he a vet? Did he grow up in an abusive home? What kinds of relationships has he had? Is there a kind heart beneath his mental illness and drug addiction? Is he a good person deep-down who simply had hard luck and deserves better than this, or is he a shitty, negative, malicious person who’s earnt his circumstances?
And if you want to light a fire online, throw around the term “incel”. Show people a guy harrassing women, in the DMs or face to face. Show people a Reddit post by a socially unaware women-objectifying “nice guy” asking how he can get a gf. Stories of hopelessly sexually needy men entrance both sexes. Unfuckable women love to complain about creepy men and get attention for it. Mediocre men love looking at them and thinking “thank God I’m not that guy” while showing what good guys they are for being normal and respecting women’s boundaries. These “incel” guys are interesting BECAUSE they’re mentally unhinged losers who people can throw blame at, not because they’re winning at anything.
Anyone can be interesting and add value to our Reality if you frame them well and understand their place in the world, including you.
Andrew Tate and Elliot Rodger are both interesting guys because they speak to the extremity-seeking sides of us. Our grand aspirations, and the predatory shadow most of us don’t admit to having.
Average people may be unremarkable when they’re people of pure function, but they’re INTERESTING when they decide to make the most of being average.
How to do exactly that
Like it or not, the vast majority of your life’s moments aren’t grand victories and fateful encounters, or immense, paradigm-shifting challenges and destructions. They’re the times where you just do what you gotta do, with no fanfare, no recognition, and no major threat of failure.
Maybe once a month at the very most, you’ll have a minor experience that significantly shifts your view on life. And 2-3 times a decade, you’ll have a month or a season packed with these sorts of paradigm-shifting experiences.
The days when you wake up, cook yourself breakfast, put some hours into work, show up to the gym for an hour or two, maybe grind on another thing or take care of some errands, then watch some Netflix before bed… Maybe you’ll hang out with a friend or try a new restaurant or an old favorite sandwich shop between any two of those things…
These boring, mundane days make up the majority of your life.
Sometimes, minor challenges come your way. The power at your place going out in the middle of cooking dinner. Having to rebook a hotel room and losing 4 figures for it because your flight there got delayed and you neglected to phone the hotel telling them you’ll be a day late. Meeting a friend of a friend and not liking each other too much, to the point where you lose your shit over their stupid behavior. Getting an annoying cold that keeps you up at night, then going through your days with a stuffy nose and constant cough. But these are hardly life-defining things.
Every one of us goes through the big things:
- Feeling like we’re not attractive or well-connected enough to date and sex the people we crave being with, or that we’ve missed our window to get with them
- Feeling lost in life, not knowing what our purpose should be. Feeling like everyone else knows their direction in life, while we’re drifting and broken
- Feeling like no one sees us for who we are, and that we’ll never find My People™. Or we’ve found them, but our relationships with them are turbulent and we have no idea what’s going wrong
- Grieving something that used to be, with no idea if/when something better will come to us
The details differ between us and between our seasons of life, but the underlying feelings are the same.
If you’re open and vulnerable about where you’re average or where you don’t measure up, you’d be surprised how many people will be able to relate to you! You may be surprised how many people WON’T look down on you for it, but will rather find you INTERESTING for it.
Our limitations make our lives interesting. Whether we overcome them or surrender to them.
I used to think I was doomed to forever being sexually deselected by pretty girls because of my looks, and later, because of my personality. I mean, what girl would want to date a geeky, unpopular 120lb 5’7″ guy without a full head of hair?
Now I’m a dating coach, so fill in the blank between those two things.
I couldn’t coach well if I was always a tall popular Chad. Wouldn’t be such an interesting journey for me.
INTERESTING is the one word that’ll help you overcome all your insecurities.
You’re a short, small guy? How INTERESTING would it be if your body’s size didn’t stop you from being a strong, dominant, attractive man?
You weren’t cool in high school? How INTERESTING would it be if you found your value through that, not despite it?
You’re an unattractive woman? How INTERESTING would it be if you glew up and got the man of your dreams anyway?
You lost someone you love? Went through some tough times? Your life just got more INTERESTING. When you find new people to love and you live in more abundant, exciting times, you’ll likely have a newfound sense of appreciation for them.
Being genetically average or “lacking” doesn’t mean you can’t work on yourself and be BETTER. That’s where self-improvement comes in. How INTERESTING would your life get if you chased greatness as you are?
Your genetics simply determine your eventual limits in certain domains, and how quickly you can progress in them. They say nothing about your work ethic, your will, your moxie, or your quality of character. They say nothing about your intrinsic value as a person, nor how worthy you are of respect and adoration.
Moxie is a choice. Character is a choice.
Ultimately, these two things determine what you make of the genetic hand you’ve been dealt.
Some of us are built to excel at sports. Some of us are built to excel intellectually. Some of us are built to excel artistically or at something super niche. If that’s you, awesome. Work hard. Make the most of your genetic gifts. But people still cluster around the average. Most of us will never excel at anything, and that’s okay.
You don’t need to be exceptional to lead a meaningful, rewarding life of love and abundance. Nor to attract someone awesome you can share your mind, your sex, and your heart with.
You just need to lean into yourself.
Do the things you enjoy, allowing yourself to both suck and rock at them. Anything good and positive you can do with yourself, someone will find value in. One of your gifts may stumble upon a huge market for itself.
Challenge yourself. Stay on your edge. Try new things. Always be improving.
And if in 5-10 years, you end up simply with a strong healthy body and mind, a normie job you like that pays you well, and a happy family… You’ve won.
As long as you’ve got moxie, a growth mindset, and the will to stand for what’s right and true, you’re already good enough to get everything you want out of life, and anyone who says otherwise can get fucked.
There’s no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect woman. You’re not attracted to perfect women. You’re attracted to women who are aligned with YOU and all your individual quirks and rough edges. Attraction is equally about maximizing your strengths, as well as making something great of your “lacks”, and learning to love someone else’s, making them feel understood and accepted as they are.
All of us can be more attractive, more integrated, more sexually confident versions of ourselves. We can date and approach hot girls and know exactly how to get them wet for us and to emotionally connect with them. We can go through a dry spell and know exactly what we’re doing with it.
If you’re a courageous man of integrity, you’re destined to end up with courageous women of integrity.
If you’re a fit, ambitious gent who’s ready for exactly that… To know exactly how to meet, attract, and retain high-quality women…
– Ben
